IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Monetary incentives are the main hard-working purpose of many workers. The writer partly agrees with
this
Linking Words
 statement
due to
Linking Words
 some other self-rewarding, social, and cultural factors. It is true that almost all
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 enthusiastically to earn salaries to afford their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. A persuasive example is annually, thousands of immigrants from Africa or South America commute to European nations and the USA to
looking
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 for well-paid jobs to deal with financial insecurities
such
Linking Words
 as bills or debts in their motherland.
Moreover
Linking Words
, becoming more affluent means that
people
Use synonyms
 can enjoy higher living standards, forming higher self-authenticity
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society.
Therefore
Linking Words
, financial rewards can motivate
people
Use synonyms
 more dedicated to their
work
Use synonyms
 as those can foster a desire to enjoy a better life without anxiety about
finance
Replace the word
financial
show examples
 stability.
However
Linking Words
, there are several other factors
contribute
Correct pronoun usage
that contribute
show examples
 to the diligence of workers.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 just simply
work
Use synonyms
 as they find these tasks are the motivation and satisfaction of their life. Through solving problems at the workplace,
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
 can feel a sense of achievement and
meaningful
Replace the word
meaning
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 as they have done something productive, so
this
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 can explain why some
billionares
Correct your spelling
billionaires
 still show determination at
work
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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,
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
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 is where
people
Use synonyms
 can have time
socialize
Fix the infinitive
to socialize
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,
work
Use synonyms
 in groups and share emotions,
hence
Linking Words
, eliminating the feeling of isolation and forming a community.
Finally
Linking Words
, some cultures highly regard the hard-working personality,
for instance
Linking Words
, Japanese are really keen on working extra hours for promotion
as well as
Linking Words
show
Wrong verb form
showing
show examples
 responsibility for taking care of old parents who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
cannot make money anymore. In conclusion, money can be a factor
to determine
Change preposition
in determining
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to
work
Use synonyms
 hard but there are other reasons too. Hard-working can motivate and satisfy
people
Use synonyms
 through productive tasks, fostering
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
community and
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 up to cultural traditions.

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grammar
Be sure to proofread your essay to correct small grammatical errors, such as "to looking" instead of "looking" and "finance stability" instead of "financial stability."
coherence
Consider providing clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the logical flow of ideas. This would make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
cohesion
Use transitional phrases more frequently to guide the reader through your points. This will enhance the coherence of your essay.
content
The essay provides a balanced view by acknowledging both monetary and non-monetary motivations for hard work.
examples
Relevant examples, such as immigrants seeking well-paid jobs and the cultural aspect of hard work in Japan, effectively support your main points.
structure
The introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main arguments well, providing a coherent structure to the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
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