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Writing Samples /
Band 6

With growing number of populations in cities. Many people are living in small homes that do not have outdoor spaces. Is this a positive or negative development?

#populations #cities #people #homes #spaces #development
It is widely known that
due to
 overpopulation in cities, a large number of
people
 are now living in houses that do not have space for recreational activities. I contend that
this
 is a totally negative development. The most prominent effect of
this
 phenomenon is the uncomfortableness caused by living in
such
 small spaces.
This
 is because when living in these cramped environments,
people
 will feel like they are trapped in a cell, preventing them from doing activities like their hobbies or going out with friends.
As a result
,
people
 will start to alienate themselves from the outside world, which will make their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 more miserable, which can
then
 lead to their mental health deteriorating.
For example
, many
people
 living in Hong Kong are now residents of
so called
Add a hyphen
so-called
show examples
 caged homes, which are rooms that are barely large enough to accommodate one person,
while
 amenities
such
 as bathrooms and kitchens are shared among the
people
 living there, creating a living space so miserable that most
people
 living in these accommodations often opt for suicide.
Furthermore
, without open spaces for the construction of public places
such
 as parks or squares, where
people
 can gather to hold and participate in communal activities, the community will start to lose its value.
This
 is caused by the fact that when
people
 are not socializing with each other,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual citizens will not be able to identify themselves with the community.
Subsequently
, whenever the local area is in a desperate time of need
then
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
people
 living there are unlikely to cooperate with each other to overcome the problem.
Therefore
, the local community will stop existing as a whole, as its population will become fragmented and unable to unite when needed. In conclusion, I contend that the phenomenon of an increasing number of residents forced to live in cramped housing is an
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
show examples
 development
due to
 it making the lives of individuals more uncomfortable and causing communities to fragment.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences in the paragraph support this main idea. This will enhance the overall cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument effectively.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant and specific examples, such as mentioning the living conditions in Hong Kong, to support your points.
complete response
The essay addresses the task prompt effectively, discussing both individual and communal impacts of the issue.
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