IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest?

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The passive-action lifestyle is becoming popular among all people in the world.
Nevertheless
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, there are numerous gyms nowadays. One of the main reasons is that modern machines do a mass of activities
instead
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 of humans. I offer a solution for
this
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 problem, governments and employers should organize some activities like marathons and break time to avoid a sedentary lifestyle. In our service-oriented society, many members of society spend most of their time at the office sitting at work.
Furthermore
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, they come home and sit in front of the television or computer. Because labour-saving devices like washing machines and robot vacuum cleaners are performing household chores that were once done manually.
Moreover
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, online shopping and online banking have reduced consumers’ need to run errands in person. Before the advent of state-of-the-art technology, people were forced to move more.
Thus
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, one of the basic reasons is that technological devices take over many responsibilities once managed by human beings. Solving
this
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 problem requires a combination of individual and governmental efforts.
Firstly
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, the authorities ought to organize mandatory public marathons or similar public fitness events. It will be profitable for the flock.
Additionally
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, Employers can do more to promote physical activity at work. They need to give breaks to workers and install fitness equipment in break rooms for doing exercises in their workplaces. Because employees who sit at desks for eight to twelve or more hours a day increase their risk of developing conditions
such
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 as cancer, cardiovascular disease, and obesity.
Therefore
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, we can solve
this
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 issue with a collaboration of personal and governmental actions. In conclusion,
although
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 gyms are widely available, individuals continue to lead inactive lives
due to
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 modern conveniences and workplace demands.
However
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, with practical measures
such
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 as organized fitness events and fostering an active environment at work,
this
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 issue can be effectively mitigated.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but it could be more engaging to draw the reader in. Consider starting with a striking statistic or quote about the rise of sedentary lifestyles.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly presents a single main idea and is supported by examples. Some points could be elaborated further to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid repetition in phrases. For example, instead of saying 'modern machines' multiple times, you could use synonyms or rephrase to maintain variety.
task achievement
Adding specific statistics or studies related to sedentary lifestyles or the effectiveness of your suggested solutions would strengthen your argument significantly.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear problem and viable solutions, which is essential for a strong task response.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical inactivity
  • health problems
  • weight gain
  • obesity
  • energy levels
  • chronic illnesses
  • mental health
  • productivity
  • focus
  • social isolation
  • exercise
  • physical fitness
  • active lifestyle
  • health benefits
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • leisure activities
  • regular physical activity
  • physical exercise
  • cardiovascular health
  • strength training
  • flexibility
  • endurance
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