IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes.

#people #children #choices #matters #food #clothes #entertainment #society #individuals
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to make their own choices on everyday matters (
such
Linking Words
 as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is important for youth to make decisions about matters that affect them.
This
Linking Words
 essay will clarify the two ideas with several relevant examples and reasons.
First,
Linking Words
in some societies, following the tradition, they consider that only the parents have the right to choose and determine elects until the juvenile
reach
Correct subject-verb agreement
reaches
show examples
 a certain age.
For instance
Linking Words
, these families care about other
people
Use synonyms
's impressions and sometimes unknowingly prevent their
children
Use synonyms
's desires. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that they guess that the child will make his own
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 in the future and will simply put forward his own desire and will not be welcome in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In my opinion, it is
incorrect
Correct article usage
an incorrect
show examples
 thought,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact every individual should easily express his opinion and wishes in front of his family
first,
Linking Words
Linking Words
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
 he does not face problems in the social environment in the future. In order not to experience shame, shyness,
insecurity
Correct word choice
or insecurity
show examples
, at least attention should be paid to
this
Linking Words
 situation.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a number of
people
Use synonyms
 think that
children
Use synonyms
's
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 and wishes should be discussed in the family, and they should make a joint decision together. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea because every child who feels the freedom from their own home will be able to overcome any problem and at least have enough confidence in themselves. More Asian countries can be given as an example. If
children
Use synonyms
 experience a situation that affects even their parents, they will continue on their way responsibly because they know their dreams.
To conclude
Linking Words
, every parent should respect their
children
Use synonyms
's aspirations and decisions without judging them, and if they are not satisfied, they should express their objections without breaking their enthusiasm.
Submitted by checkmyessay9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

relevant specific examples
Provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will help in making your essay more convincing and grounded.
clear comprehensive ideas
Make sure to develop your ideas comprehensively. You should aim to elaborate more on the examples and reasons you provide to ensure they are clear and thorough.
logical structure
Maintain a logical structure throughout your essay by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. This includes revisiting main points briefly in the conclusion to create a more cohesive structure.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to provide a good structure.
complete response
You effectively present both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced approach.
logical structure
Your essay shows coherence in developing the argument for the importance of allowing children to make decisions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: