IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

It is often said that governments spend too much money on projects to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are more important? Do you agree or disagree?

#governments #money #projects #wildlife
People believe that the authorities have invested unreasonably in preserving animals’
habitats
 as other
issues
 need to be prioritized. I strongly disagree with that statement as
firstly
, endangered
habitats
 directly affect humans.
Secondly
, the endangered
habitats
 could potentially cause more problems. Animal
habitats
 are one of the key aspects in ensuring environmental safety for all living beings.
Moreover
, animals’
habitats
 directly contribute to protecting citizens’ environment.
On the other hand
, some people believe that
this
 aspect has little impact on societies. Regardless of how humans see the importance of animals’
habitats
 in their life, environmental experts state that 70% of the earth's complications
such
 as avalanches and increased sea levels are caused by the damaged animal’s
habitats
. Those
issues
 are the evidence that they directly impacted the citizens,
not to mention
 if the
issues
 have a deadly effect
such
 as human loss and various diseases. Those
issues
 were caused by the threatened environments. In either case. The animals’
habitats
 have an immediate involvement in human daily activities. Not only that could potentially put humans’ lives at risk, but
also
 it could affect other sectors, especially the economy.
In addition
 to that effect, it could potentially threaten the nation's survivability.
For example
, in 2020. Maldives' sea levels are increasing by up to 10 meters, vanishing its coastline
due to
 deforestation there.
As a result
, Maldives who depend on beach activities as a source of income, cripples them.
Consequently
, in the same year, the nation's economies have dropped to about 40% below the average, as experts believe.
Likewise
, these
issues
 are limiting their citizens' daily activities and most likely disrupt their mental health as well. Obviously, those
issues
 prove that the animal’s habitat has a greater impact in every other aspect.
Overall
, Not only that the endangered animals’ habitat harm some societies, but threatens the nation.
Hence
, I strongly believe that the government should invest in preserving animal’s habitat,
Submitted by arsyiiimuhammad061 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that every sentence contributes to the main argument. Avoid minor grammatical errors to enhance readability. For example, 'In either case' should smoothly connect with the preceding thoughts.
task achievement
Enhance the strength of your task response by providing more detailed and specific examples. The mention of the Maldives is good but could be expanded with more specific statistics or further explanation.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, aligning well with the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The paragraphing is well-organized, and the main points are easily distinguishable.
task achievement
The essay presents a logical and structured argument, staying focused on the topic throughout.
task achievement
Both paragraphs offer relevant examples, strengthening the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecological balance
  • safeguard
  • natural habitats
  • foster
  • cultural of conservation
  • long-term ecological sustainability
  • economic benefits
  • significant source of revenue
  • investment
  • nation’s economic wealth
  • preservation of ecosystems
  • clean water and air
  • prioritization
  • multi-faceted government budgets
  • environmental protection
  • wildlife conservation
  • neglecting
  • detrimental effects
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