IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people are afraid to leave their homes because of their fear of crime. Some people believe that more actions should be taken to prevent crime, but others feel that little can be done. Discuss both views and give you.

#people #homes #fear #crime #actions
The
Crime
 rate is increasing vastly worldwide
due to
 many
people
 are frightened to leave their homes because of afraid of offence. Some
people
 say that more preventive measures should be taken
while
 others feel that limited action is enough.
This
 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the former opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, there are more actions should be taken for
prevention
Correct article usage
the prevention
show examples
 of
crime
.
This
 means the authorities should implement heavy punishment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the culprits who threaten society.
For example
, India has the strongest law against
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sexual
harrasment
Correct your spelling
harassment
 offenders
such
 as the Pocso Act and the punishment is
life-long
Add an article
a life-long
show examples
 sentence. Non-bail punishment and
sentence
Fix the agreement mistake
sentences
show examples
also
 can reduce the
crime
 rate and
as a result
,
people
 have to out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their homes safely.
On the other hand
, limited action is sufficient to
prevention of
Replace the word
prevent
show examples
crime
.
This
 is
news
Rephrase
why news
show examples
 channels have to minimise
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exposing more
crime
Replace the word
criminal
show examples
 content
what
Change preposition
about what
show examples
 happens in
street
Correct article usage
the street
show examples
. When humankind
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
minimum
Correct word choice
minimal
show examples
knowledge of offence
happens
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
 surrounding them they like to out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their home without any frightened.
For instance
, news channels should focus on how
people
 suffer
under
Change preposition
from
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty and how to improve their livelihood
instead
 of showing more
crime
 scenes. Needless to say, limited preventive actions are adequate.
To conclude
,
although
 imposing heavy
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 and non-bail sentences can minimise offence, news channels not
showing
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 more
crime
 content to the population.
However
, I strongly agree
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
 more
crime preventive
Add a hyphen
crime-preventive
show examples
 efforts should be made in order
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 individuals
can
Verb problem
get
show examples
 out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their homes.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that each point made is clearly explained and supported with relevant and specific examples. The current essay provides some examples, but they could be more detailed and better connected to the points being made.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, work on making the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs smoother. Use connecting words and phrases more effectively to ensure a seamless transition from one idea to the next.
introduction conclusion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
logical structure
There is a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, showing an understanding of different perspectives on the issue.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • - Deterrent: something that discourages or is intended to discourage someone from doing something.
  • - Vigilant: keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.
  • - Surveillance: close observation, especially of a suspected spy or criminal.
  • - Community-oriented programs: initiatives that target specific issues within a community.
  • - High-crime areas: neighborhoods or regions where crime rates are significantly elevated.
  • - Social inequality: the existence of unequal opportunities and rewards for different social positions within a society.
  • - Law enforcement: government officials responsible for maintaining public order and enforcing laws.
  • - Cynicism: an inclination to believe that people are motivated purely by self-interest; skepticism.
  • - Pessimism: a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen.
  • - Bureaucratic hurdles: obstacles related to the procedures and regulations in bureaucracies that create inefficiencies.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: