IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think it is more important to spend money on roads and motorways than on public transports system. To what extend do you agree?

#people #money #roads #motorways #transports #system
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Nowadays, most countries experience a major increase in human population.
This
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 affects road users and makes it more crowded. Some people believe
this
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 problem could be solved by making appropriate public
transport
Use synonyms
 systems rather than spending money on public roads. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement, and
this
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 essay will elaborate more
about
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on
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this
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 topic.
Firstly
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, leading countries in terms of infrastructure,
such
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 as Japan and South Korea, have sophisticated public
transport
Use synonyms
 systems.
Thus
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, their residents can carry out their activities in a fast and cheap way.
For instance
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, in Japan, middle school students use monorails and buses to reach their school destinations.
This
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 allows their parents to do their activities freely without worrying about the time they spend taking their kids to school.
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 efficiency showcases how a well-developed public
transport
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 system can significantly ease the daily routines of residents.
Secondly
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, a proper public
transport
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 system contributes a lot to a healthy lifestyle.
For example
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, workers in Jakarta mostly use TransJakarta and the MRT to arrive at their offices.
This
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 means they have to walk to the bus station and train station.
This
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 increases their daily steps and burns at least 100 calories. Regular walking as part of commuting can improve cardiovascular health and
overall
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 fitness. It encourages a more active lifestyle, which is especially important in urban areas where sedentary habits are prevalent.
To sum
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up
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up,
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 everything that has been stated so far, I believe that making a proper public
transport
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 system is much better than adding more to public roads. It would affect a lot of things,
such
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 as promoting a healthy lifestyle, reducing congestion, and saving more time. Investing in public
transport
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 not only addresses the immediate issue of overcrowded roads but
also
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 offers long-term benefits for the population's health and the environment.
Submitted by pocutarifahzahrina on

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task response
While the essay addresses the topic comprehensively, it would benefit from a more concise introduction. Consider briefly summarizing your stance before diving into the main points.
task response
The arguments provided are strong, but they can be enhanced by including counterarguments to show a balanced view before restating your stance.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, but the transitions between paragraphs can be slightly smoother. Using transitional phrases can help in this regard.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to connect the examples more clearly to your main argument, showing explicitly how they support your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task response
The examples given (Japan, South Korea, and Jakarta) are relevant and help illustrate the points effectively.
task response
There's a clear and consistent argument throughout the essay.
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