IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that allowing childern to make their own choices on everyday matters (Such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuls who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for childern to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #childern #choices #matters #food #clothes #entertainment #society #individuls #decisions
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There are different views among people about how we should raise and educate
children
Use synonyms
 in
a
Change the article
an
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 efficient way to have an effective society in the future. Some argue that the most effective way is to
take
Verb problem
give
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 them the
freedom
Use synonyms
 of
choices
Fix the agreement mistake
choice
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 in their daily issues,
while
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 the opponents of
this
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 idea have various concerns about too individualised community in future and
its
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the
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 problems which may arise. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 the most effective method is to maintain a balanced view regarding
this
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 matter.
Initially
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, the importance of
freedom
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 in what
children
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 can choose should be taken into consideration. A normal and healthy society must
aware
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be aware
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 of their basic rights and responsibilities. In
this
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 case,
due to
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 the fact that
children
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 of the society benefit from their own
freedom
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 to select between a wide range of options and
also
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 have access to the information about positive and negative sides and effects of each selection, we can expect them to act wisely and responsively towards their choices.
Furthermore
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, it can help them to learn gradually different
real world
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real-world
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 problems and try to offer creative solutions as well.
On the other hand
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, if parents only let their
children
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
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make
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
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 on what they wish without any concern about the consequences of each case, eventually it can lead to a selfish one
that is
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 not able to have a clear perception
about
Change preposition
of
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 their world and may convey
this
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 idea that they stand at the centre of the universe.
Moreover
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, in later
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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one’s acceptance and
adaption
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adaptation
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 abilities which play an important role in life can not be developed in an efficient way. In conclusion,
whereas
Linking Words
 there are controversial debates on choosing the best method of learning for
next
Correct article usage
the next
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 generation in terms of
freedom
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 of alternatives that they may have, I believe that looking at both
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 and disadvantages of each method separately and holding a fair viewpoint is the best approach.
Submitted by maede.shabani on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both views on the topic and provides a balanced opinion which is commendable. However, the argument can be strengthened by adding more specific examples and evidence to support the points made.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Minor improvements can be made to ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, enhancing the overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences can be made more concise and clear. Avoiding minor grammatical errors and using varied sentence structures will help. For instance, replacing 'let their children to make decision' with 'letting their children make decisions' makes the sentence flow better.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument and giving a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear with a logical flow from introduction to conclusion.
task achievement
The ideas presented in the essay are relevant to the topic and comprehensive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • autonomy
  • independence
  • self-confidence
  • selfish tendencies
  • responsible choices
  • consequences
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • personal development
  • strike a balance
  • boundaries
  • social values
  • decision-making skills
  • guidance
  • fostering
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