IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Same children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case¿ Do you think this is a positive or a negative development¿

#children #hours #smartphones #case¿ #development¿
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There is no denying the fact that the smartphone
consider
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considers
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the
Correct article usage
an
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 important
tools
Fix the agreement mistake
tool
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 in our
live
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lives
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.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that the positive development for
children
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 who spend
hours
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 every day, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that the disadvantages
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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 more than
Correct article usage
the advantage
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advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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 for
children
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with, there are many
reasones
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reasons
 for spending
children
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 many
hours
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 on their smartphones.
First,
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children
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 can learn or find different information. In
other word
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another word
other words
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, they can
us
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use
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 different resources
such
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 as apps or
Correct article usage
the internet
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internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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as well as
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 they can register for online courses and attend their classes by smartphone.
Secondly
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, most
children
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 spend
hours
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 every day for
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
show examples
.
For example
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, they can play games
any where
Join the words
anywhere
show examples
 and time
as well as
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 they can chat with their friend by using apps. Another point to consider, smartphones
is consider
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is considered
show examples
 a perfect role for communicating. It is
also
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 possible to say that
children
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 can take with their parents
whe
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when
who
 they are out
their
Change preposition
of their
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 home and
also
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 their parents can easily contact
with
Change preposition
apply
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them. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
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 despite people have
difficulty view
Replace the word
difficult viewing
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, I believe that smartphones have many advantages for
children
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however
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children
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sould
Correct your spelling
should
could
 not spend many
hours
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 on
its
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to protect their eyes
health
Correct word choice
and health
show examples
.
Submitted by alfayeznorah72 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to illustrate your main points. This will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure and eliminating grammatical errors. This will enhance clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and provides supporting details for that idea.
coherence cohesion
It would be helpful to use more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to make the essay more engaging.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, giving a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which helps frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay attempts to explain reasons behind the issue, showing an effort to answer the 'why' part of the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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