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Band 3

Same children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case¿ Do you think this is a positive or a negative development¿

#children #hours #smartphones #case¿ #development¿
There is no denying the fact that the smartphone
consider
Change the verb form
considers
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important
tools
Fix the agreement mistake
tool
show examples
 in our
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that the positive development for
children
 who spend
hours
 every day, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that the disadvantages
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 more than
Correct article usage
the advantage
show examples
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 for
children
.
To begin
 with, there are many
reasones
Correct your spelling
reasons
 for spending
children
 many
hours
 on their smartphones.
First,
children
 can learn or find different information. In
other word
Change the wording
another word
other words
show examples
, they can
us
Correct your spelling
use
show examples
 different resources
such
 as apps or
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
as well as
 they can register for online courses and attend their classes by smartphone.
Secondly
, most
children
 spend
hours
 every day for
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
show examples
.
For example
, they can play games
any where
Join the words
anywhere
show examples
 and time
as well as
 they can chat with their friend by using apps. Another point to consider, smartphones
is consider
Change the verb form
is considered
show examples
 a perfect role for communicating. It is
also
 possible to say that
children
 can take with their parents
whe
Correct your spelling
when
who
 they are out
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 home and
also
 their parents can easily contact
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 despite people have
difficulty view
Replace the word
difficult viewing
show examples
, I believe that smartphones have many advantages for
children
however
children
sould
Correct your spelling
should
could
 not spend many
hours
 on
its
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to protect their eyes
health
Correct word choice
and health
show examples
.
Submitted by alfayeznorah72 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to illustrate your main points. This will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure and eliminating grammatical errors. This will enhance clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and provides supporting details for that idea.
coherence cohesion
It would be helpful to use more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to make the essay more engaging.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, giving a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which helps frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay attempts to explain reasons behind the issue, showing an effort to answer the 'why' part of the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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