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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of parents who are choosing to educate their children themselves at home instead of sending them to school. Do the advantages of home education outweigh the disadvantages?

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The preference
of
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for
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 educating
children
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 at home by parents over letting them join in a traditional class setting has seen a sharp growth recently. From my point of view,
this
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 issue may do more harm than good. Without a shadow of a doubt, private education is an ideal method that brings a myriad of
benefits
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 to the learners, especially
that
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since
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 they can freely customize their own educational syllabus. That might be
due to
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 the fact that when learning alone,
children
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 can choose
the
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apply
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suitable subjects which are related to their own demands for
future
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a future
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 career or their strengths.
This
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 thing can not be found in any public education
systems
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system
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 whose curriculum is required to cover all subjects to guarantee
all-rounded
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the all-rounded
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 development of pupils. To be more specific, if there is a student who is ambitious to become a neurologist or a pharmacist, he will only need to absorb math, physics, biology or chemistry. By doing so, he can save most of
time
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his time
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 and effort to highly focus on their required academic majors, which can greatly help him to easily master
in
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apply
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this
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 field.
On the other hand
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, homeschooled
children
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 can miss out on a wide range of
benefits
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 provided by public
school
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schools
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, especially
lack
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a lack
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 of interactive activities with other people. In terms of teachers, students in public
school
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schools
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 can have more chances to connect and learn from abundant professionals who are knowledgeable and have been trained to impart insights
while
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 those in homeschool are only raised by their parents even some of them do not have any
skills
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 in teaching.
Moreover
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, as for friends, privately educated
children
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 can not join in teamwork so they will lack
problem solving
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problem-solving
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skills
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, which can be a demerit for their development.
Hence
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, homeschooled students may have to face the lack of several
skills
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 which can be an indispensable factor in the future. In conclusion,
although
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 the redeeming features of homeschooling
is
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are
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 widely acknowledged, their
children
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 miss out on some
benefits
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such
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 as professional knowledge or problem-solving
skills
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 when they participate in
schools
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school
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.
Moreover
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, all the
benefits
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 of homeschooling can be the same as its counterpart once parents can show their expectation to teachers to adjust the syllabus more suitable for their kids.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, and you clearly state your opinion. However, try to balance the paragraphs better. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of homeschooling in great detail, while the second paragraph on the disadvantages could be expanded further.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a thoughtful conclusion, which is great. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Some transitions between sentences and ideas could be improved for better coherence.
task achievement
You have a complete response to the task and have covered both advantages and disadvantages well. To improve further, provide more in-depth analysis and balance on both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive. However, explain some points further or provide additional examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but more specific examples or data would strengthen your essay and make your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
Good job on stating your opinion clearly and supporting it with reasoned arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is engaging, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically organized, and each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic.
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