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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. While other people think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both side and give your opinion

#people #government #rise #obesity #children #fault #parents #side
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In recent years, an increasing number of
people
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 are suffering from health problems caused by obesity in the wealthy countries. Among them, a rising rate of overweight
children
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 is especially a big issue. In my perspective, the government is the most responsible for
this
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 problem rather than the
parents
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. I will provide a balanced discussion in the following sections.
First,
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some individuals argue that a child's obesity is the parent's fault in that they are not caring for their
children
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 enough or that they are indulging them too much. There are many
parents
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 who try very hard to gain as much information as possible to raise their
children
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 healthy,
while
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 other
parents
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 cannot afford
such
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 time and effort in their busy daily lives usually because of poverty. As
children
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 cannot choose their
parents
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, it is only at school that teachers and friends can give them important knowledge.
Furthermore
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, whether rich or poor is not a big issue about
this
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 problem. As society becomes mature, more
people
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 have become enable to instantly get what they want at local convenience stores without any profound thought and they easily become obese. Medical expenses in Japan are mainly covered by the Japanese government,
for example
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, which means that the more weight they gain, the more expenses from tax are needed to take care of those with obesity-induced diseases.
Therefore
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, in order to reduce the financial burden of medical issues in our society, both the municipal and local governments should take some countermeasures
such
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 as education for
children
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, working
people
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, and would-be mothers. In conclusion,
although
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 some
people
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 insist that child obesity is the parent's responsibility, it is actually a matter of community. All of us not only the government should think about our future society and establish some educational programs to make
children
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 grow up to be competent citizens in the near future.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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task achievement
The introduction sets up the context well, but it could be clearer. Clearly state that obesity in children is being debated as either the responsibility of parents or the government for a strong start.
coherence cohesion
In your body paragraphs, make sure every point you raise is clearly linked back to the main argument. You sometimes drift away from the main topic, making it harder for the reader to follow your line of thought.
task achievement
Try to incorporate specific examples or evidence to support your arguments more effectively. This will make your points more convincing and help you achieve a higher score in Task Achievement.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay. This will enhance the readability and coherence of your essay. For instance, use phrases like 'On the one hand' or 'On the other hand' to clearly contrast the viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively sums up the main argument and provides a call to action, which is a strong point in your essay.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both sides of the argument, which is crucial in a discussion essay like this one.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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