IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performance for general public. Do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #development #sport #art #school #students #sports #performance
It is thought by some people that authorities should use
money
 to motivate the advancement of
sports
 and art for school learners
instead
 of investing in those things in the community. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with
this
 notion and my supporting reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are several drawbacks to spending
money
 on school students and one of the most significant is that it can distract children's focus. To elaborate
further
, the learner needs to concentrate on their compulsory subjects
such
 as Sciences, Mathematics, etc. which are essential for their future more than
sports
 and arts.
Moreover
,
sports
 and art can engulf most of their time so they cannot learn and study other subjects effectively. An apt illustration of
this
 is that my cousin's school spent
money
 on constructing a new football grass field and my cousin
as well as
 his friends always used it when they had free time, playing football;
therefore
, his focus on main subjects which related to his future decreased.
Additionally
, another clear disadvantage of
this
 notion is that there are a number of people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society ready to compete. To explain in greater detail, many seasoned and experienced citizens, who are in top form, are available in our communities but lack supporters and funding.
Furthermore
, a large amount of
money
 can be invested in some technologies to enhance and boost the skills of those who are ready to compete. To specifically demonstrate, in my village, there is one person who has a talent for table tennis but he said
this
 sport is always looked over by authorities and he is now trying to find someone
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can budget for him and support him to apply for competitions.
In addition
, he tells me that if our nation wants to win tournaments, the authorities who are in charge should purchase autonomous table tennis machines that can shoot balls with speed so that we can improve our reactions. All in all, it is undeniable that using
money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 schools to encourage students in both
sports
 and art will bring some benefits to our society.
However
, from my viewpoint, I disagree with
this
 matter as it only provides teenagers with paramount demerits,
for example
, distraction; on the flip side, there are a considerable number of people who are
awaiting
Correct your spelling
waiting
show examples
 to be pushed and supported and
hence
 focusing only on the new generation is worthless.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Improve the introduction by briefly outlining your main points to give a clear road map of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining paragraphs for better logical flow. Ensure transitions between ideas are smooth and clear.
task achievement
Consider addressing potential counterarguments to show a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with relevant examples and explanations, enhancing the argument's strength.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer's position clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • physical health
  • creativity
  • teamwork skills
  • nurture young talents
  • excel
  • healthy lifestyle
  • cultural appreciation
  • extracurricular activities
  • socio-economic background
  • social inequality
  • profit-driven
  • allocated funds
What to do next:
Look at other essays: