Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performance for general public.
It is often argued that spending more money on athletes is more important than the development of
sports
and art
for school students, although
both of them are important but, I think that investing money to extend sports
and art
in school is more useful for the country. And in this
essay, I try to explain why.
on one hand, When the government develops sports
in a routine of crowds, they have a more motivated and healthy life, and the country spends less on treatment. due to
people
having a better lifestyle and enhancing their health and motivation. The most comfortable ways to improve body and emotional health are sports
and art
. The government can decrease the budget for health and increase other more important parts.
On the other hand
, if we have healthy people
in body and emotional, we are physically active, and everybody can do their vital role in the right way. Moreover
, everyone who plays sports
creatively is stimulated and has an active brain for study. Due to
that reason, all the people
are more effective in this
population and they can earn more success for their society. And we have a happier society when we have healthy people
.
In conclusion, one of the ways that the government can improve healthcare in the country is sports
and Change preposition
through sports
art
. The best way to encourage people
to do sport is by supporting professional sport. Also
, we must remember that healthcare is our aim. So both of them are important.Submitted by hamedborna on
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coherence cohesion
There are logical transitions between paragraphs, creating a fairly clear structure. However, a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph would enhance the coherence. Consider this: 'Firstly, developing sports and arts for school students improves community health.'
coherence cohesion
While the essay has an introduction and a conclusion, the conclusion seems repetitive and could be more impactful. Think about summarizing key points and restating your opinion more strongly: 'In conclusion, while supporting professional sports has its merits, investing in school-level sports and arts creates a healthier, more educated society.'
task achievement
Support the main points with specific examples and data. For instance, mention statistics or case studies that highlight the benefits of sports and arts in schools: 'Studies show that students engaged in sports are 20% more likely to maintain a healthy lifestyle as adults.'
task achievement
While the essay presents a complete argument, it often lacks depth. Provide more comprehensive ideas, and elaborate on the benefits and drawbacks involved. For example, in discussing health benefits, you might explain how sports reduce the risk of chronic diseases.
task achievement
Currently, the main points are stated but lack detailed support. Include more examples relevant to school settings, such as specific programs that have successfully integrated arts and sports into their curriculum.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, which is excellent for presenting a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your position, which provides a good start to the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion ties back to the main points, reinstating the importance of healthcare and community well-being.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.