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Band 6.5

as well as making money , business also have social responsibilities.Do you agree or disagree?

#money #business #responsibilities
It is claimed that the authorities ought to pay attention to improving environmental conditions and housing issues to avoid illness and diseases.The writer of
this
 essay agrees with
this
 statement as
pollution
 of the environment and overpopulation are the main reasons which cause health issues. It must be understood that one of the negative effects
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people's health is
pollution
,especially air
pollution
 and water
pollution
.Both water and air are used regularly for daily living activities ,they
also
 play important roles in citizens' lives.
Therefore
,there will be more health problems
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 breathing and skin if air and water are polluted seriously.
Additionally
,reducing overpopulation can prevent sickness as when there are too many immigrants,it leads to a lack of land for living so they have to live in slums and the diseases will spread easily.
Thus
, if the governments solve the housing issue successfully,they can improve the living standards
as well as
 protect individuals' wellness.
By contrast
, the authorities
also
 should improve medical systems.In other words, the healthcare sector's development
also
 means that researchers have more chances to invent better vaccines for preventing diseases.
For instance
, in the
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
show examples
 pandemic, many professionals and doctors cooperated to create new vaccines as quickly as they could. All countries around the world can repel
this
 serious pandemic because of those inventions.
To sum up
,
although
 there are many other ways to reduce
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 number of sicknesses, improving environmental conditions and housing issues is always the best way as they are
also
 the main reasons cause illness and pandemics
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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the prompt and is mostly clear and comprehensive. However, it would benefit from integrating more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, particularly regarding air and water pollution's direct impact on health and overpopulation leading to slums.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that all your ideas flow naturally from one paragraph to the next. Consider adding more transition words or phrases to enhance the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have effectively identified key issues such as pollution and overpopulation and linked them to health problems, thereby demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibilities
  • contribute
  • well-being
  • community
  • philanthropy
  • sustainability
  • ethical
  • trust
  • reputation
  • accountable
  • profit-making
  • balance
What to do next:
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