IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

keeping animals in capitivity such as zoos has been popular, even now that they have evolved into ‘animal park ‘ or similar facilities. do you think the adventages outweigh disadvantages ?

#animals #capitivity #zoos #park #facilities #adventages
Zoos
 continue to be controversial, even now that they have evolved into ‘animal parks’ or similar facilities.
This
 issue, I personally believe, would give about more significant disadvantages that I will explain in
this
 essay. Regarding The drawbacks that
this
 issue may bring about,
Firstly
,
zoos
 are the unnatural way in which
animals
 live in
such
 places.
For example
, captive
animals
 do not need to hunt or raise offspring, and
this
 means that they are not living as nature intended.
Furthermore
,
animals
 probably suffer mentally when kept in captivity, even if their surroundings are spacious and similar to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 natural
habitat
. Symptoms of mental issues range from repetitive behaviour to eating disorders, and these are often seen in captive
animals
.
Lastly
, it is often said that
zoos
 add little to animal conservation, which is better served by preserving their
habitat
.
Conversely
, one of the benefits
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 is that in most cases they offer a secure and peaceful setting for
animals
,
for example
 in
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 wildlife parks or reserves. It is seen that in many cases, the
animals
 would suffer from loss of
habitat
 or poaching in the wild, and in
captivity
Add a comma
captivity,
show examples
 they are at least safe and able to breed successfully.
Finally
,
zoos
 and animal parks are part of an integrated system of protecting
animals
, involving
habitat
 protection, breeding programmes and disease control.
This
 all helps to safeguard endangered species and
thus
 preserve the global ecosystem for the future benefit of all life forms.
Overall
,
while
 keeping
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
 in
zoos
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 super superficially attractive, I would argue that the lack of measurability is a drawback. It is because
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 suffer mentally of
animals
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 confining
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 its potential benefits
Submitted by mukarramailham on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Work on improving the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. Some transitions can be enhanced to make the argument more coherent.
task achievement
While main points are generally well-supported, providing more varied and specific examples would strengthen your arguments further.
language usage
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and vocabulary usage to improve clarity and precision.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task by presenting both advantages and disadvantages of keeping animals in captivity.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure to your work.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and well-expressed, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: