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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the government should take care of the elderly, while others argue that individuals should be responsible for their own retirement. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In today's rapidly
aging
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ageing
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 societies, the question of who should bear the
responsibility
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 for the care of the elderly has become a topic of considerable debate.
While
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 some advocate for the
government
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 to take the lead in providing for the elderly, others argue that
individuals
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 should take personal
responsibility
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 for their
retirement
Use synonyms
. In
this
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 essay, both perspectives will be examined before presenting a reasoned opinion. On the one hand, proponents of
government
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 intervention argue that the
aging
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ageing
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 population presents a societal challenge that necessitates collective action. They contend that the state has a duty to ensure the welfare of its citizens, particularly those who have contributed to society throughout their working lives. By providing pensions, healthcare, and other forms of support, the
government
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 can alleviate the financial burden on
individuals
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 and ensure a dignified
retirement
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 for all.
Moreover
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, they argue that centralized systems can achieve greater efficiency and fairness in resource allocation, ensuring that no elderly person is left behind
due to
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 financial constraints.
On the other hand
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, advocates of individual
responsibility
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 emphasize the importance of self-reliance and personal planning for
retirement
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. They argue that
individuals
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 should take proactive steps to save and invest during their working years to secure their financial future. Encouraging personal
responsibility
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 not only fosters a culture of independence and self-sufficiency but
also
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 reduces the strain on public resources.
Furthermore
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, they contend that
government
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 intervention may lead to excessive taxation and bureaucracy, limiting individual freedom and stifling economic growth. In my opinion,
while
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 both perspectives have merit, a balanced approach is needed to address the complexities of
aging
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ageing
show examples
 populations. The
government
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 should play a pivotal role in providing a safety net for the elderly, particularly for those who are most vulnerable or have limited means.
This
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 can take the form of social security programs, healthcare subsidies, and affordable housing initiatives.
However
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,
individuals
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 should
also
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 be encouraged to take ownership of their
retirement
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 planning through education, incentives for saving, and access to financial advice. In conclusion, the question of who should take care of the elderly involves weighing competing priorities of societal welfare and individual autonomy.
While
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 the
government
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 has a crucial role to play in providing support and services,
individuals
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 should
also
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 be empowered to take control of their financial future. By striking a balance between collective
responsibility
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 and personal agency, societies can ensure a dignified and sustainable
retirement
Use synonyms
 for all.

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task achievement
You provided a thorough response to the task, addressing both perspectives and presenting a balanced opinion. However, including more specific examples or statistical data could strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's main points were clear and logically structured. To improve, consider using signposting phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Lastly' to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively introduced and concluded your essay, maintaining a consistent focus throughout.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task comprehensively, covering both viewpoints and offering a balanced opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • government
  • elderly
  • care
  • money
  • save
  • saving
  • plan
  • taxes
  • safety net
  • health care
  • long-term care
  • pension
  • retirement
  • family
  • responsibility
  • burden
  • independence
  • policy
  • balance
  • fairness
  • option
  • idea
  • opinion
  • future
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