Some people think it is more important for the government to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Today, unfortunately, the rate of
the
Correct article usage
apply
patient
is going up so, some global inhabitants Fix the agreement mistake
patients
are believing
that the Wrong verb form
believe
government
must be spend
money Change the verb form
spend
for improving
Change preposition
to improve
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
for
prevent illness. Change preposition
to
Instead
of, pay
money for Wrong verb form
paying
people
that has
been ill most of the time. I am of the same opinion about the prevent is much better than treatment.
On the one hand, if the administration Change the verb form
have
focus
on the Change the verb form
focuses
avoid
of ill, Replace the word
avoidance
then
the stage of health
getting
better. Wrong verb form
gets
In addition
, they should not spend a lot of money also
, the number of patients will be falling. Therefore
, the government
can be saving
and help the illnesses that Wrong verb form
save
have
highly bad Verb problem
are
ill
Correct word choice
apply
such
as cancer. Another way government
must not get Correct article usage
the government
facility
for Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
native
that don’t do the Fix the agreement mistake
natives
health
factor.
On other
hand, when Correct article usage
the other
government
obtain financial for Correct article usage
the government
health
and write
the Correct subject-verb agreement
writes
low
for it, Correct your spelling
law
then
most of the habitat
Fix the agreement mistake
habitats
do
Verb problem
follow
this
rule so, that
Correct pronoun usage
which
help
the Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
government
to perfume it really nice
. Change the word
nicely
Furthermore
, after many time
either Fix the agreement mistake
times
people
healthier
or they will be really happier, and have good Add a missing verb
are healthier
behavior
. Change the spelling
behaviour
As a result
, the cost is
declined Unnecessary verb
apply
due to
factor
of, happier Correct article usage
the factor
people
most of the time do
not ill.
In conclusion, when Unnecessary verb
apply
government
Add an article
the government
Wrong verb form
learns
learned
Add the particle
learned to
prevent
is Replace the word
prevention
more
crucial thing that can Add an article
a more
the more
be avoid
bad Change the verb form
avoid
result
and have a lot of profit. Fix the agreement mistake
results
For
Change preposition
Health
health
is more essential. So, when run it have
a lot of Change the verb form
has
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
,
because Remove the comma
apply
that
is reduced
the figure of Wrong verb form
reduces
ill
, illness, and treatment. Huns, effect on Replace the word
illness
people
manner.Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clear and well-defined structure. Ensure there is a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay sometimes lacks coherence. Use linking words such as 'furthermore,' 'however,' and 'therefore' properly to connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Try to develop your main points more comprehensively, providing relevant examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas and provide specific examples to enhance the reader's understanding.
task achievement
Work on your grammar and sentence structure to avoid confusing the reader.
task achievement
You have made a valid argument by discussing the benefits of preventive measures over treatments.
relevant specific examples
It’s good that you mentioned specific illnesses like cancer, which adds some specificity to your argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.