Some people think it is more important for the government to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today, unfortunately, the rate of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
patient
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
show examples
is going up so, some global inhabitants
are believing
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
that the
government
must
be spend
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
money
for improving
Change preposition
to improve
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
prevent illness.
Instead
of,
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
money for
people
that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
been ill most of the time. I am of the same opinion about the prevent is much better than treatment. On the one hand, if the administration
focus
Change the verb form
focuses
show examples
on the
avoid
Replace the word
avoidance
show examples
of ill,
then
the stage of
health
getting
Wrong verb form
gets
show examples
better.
In addition
, they should not spend a lot of money
also
, the number of patients will be falling.
Therefore
, the
government
can
be saving
Wrong verb form
save
show examples
and help the illnesses that
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
highly bad
ill
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
such
as cancer. Another way
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
must not get
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
for
native
Fix the agreement mistake
natives
show examples
that don’t do the
health
factor. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
hand, when
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
obtain financial for
health
and
write
Correct subject-verb agreement
writes
show examples
the
low
Correct your spelling
law
show examples
for it,
then
most of the
habitat
Fix the agreement mistake
habitats
show examples
do
Verb problem
follow
show examples
this
rule so,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
the
government
to perfume it really
nice
Change the word
nicely
show examples
.
Furthermore
, after many
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
either
people
healthier
Add a missing verb
are healthier
show examples
or they will be really happier, and have good
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
As a result
, the cost
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined
due to
factor
Correct article usage
the factor
show examples
of, happier
people
most of the time
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not ill. In conclusion, when
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
Wrong verb form
learns
show examples
learned
Add the particle
learned to
show examples
prevent
Replace the word
prevention
show examples
is
more
Add an article
a more
the more
show examples
crucial thing that can
be avoid
Change the verb form
avoid
show examples
bad
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
and have a lot of profit.
For
Change preposition
Health
show examples
health
is more essential. So, when run it
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
a lot of
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because
that
is reduced
Wrong verb form
reduces
show examples
the figure of
ill
Replace the word
illness
show examples
, illness, and treatment. Huns, effect on
people
manner.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clear and well-defined structure. Ensure there is a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay sometimes lacks coherence. Use linking words such as 'furthermore,' 'however,' and 'therefore' properly to connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Try to develop your main points more comprehensively, providing relevant examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas and provide specific examples to enhance the reader's understanding.
task achievement
Work on your grammar and sentence structure to avoid confusing the reader.
task achievement
You have made a valid argument by discussing the benefits of preventive measures over treatments.
relevant specific examples
It’s good that you mentioned specific illnesses like cancer, which adds some specificity to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • promote
  • healthy lifestyle
  • prevent
  • illness
  • treatment
  • public money
  • government expenditure
  • reduce
  • burden
  • healthcare system
  • preventive measures
  • improve
  • well-being
  • invest
  • long-term benefits
  • society
  • necessary care
  • balance
  • address
  • effectively
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!