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Band 5.5

Some people think seondary school students should study international news as one their subjects, while others believe that this is a waste of valuable school time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #seondary #school #students #study #news #subjects #waste #time
International
news
 should be taught in schools as a subject of curriculum for high school
students
; meanwhile, others think that it is just spending their
time
 inefficiently. In my opinion, both thoughts are true, because being aware of international
news
 might be helpful in their majors.
Also
, if it distracts from the main education, pupils need to reduce their
time
 spent on it. Secondary school
students
 need to
study
 world
news
 as one of the subjects on the curriculum, and it could be beneficial for them in their upcoming studies and careers.
For instance
, some teens want to
study
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
economics and finance majors, and many changes have been happening in these faculties.
As a result
, if
students
 know well enough about global current events in those fields of
study
, they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 set their goals clearly and may develop in their majors.
Furthermore
, young people who
decided
Wrong verb form
decide
show examples
 to
study
 in universities could influence themselves not only in the economics or finance faculty but
also
 in any other lines,
such
 as art, literature, computer science, and engineering. In high schools,
students'
Correct your spelling
students
show examples
 keeping up with world events is considered wasting
time
, and it may be possible;
for example
, if
this
 interrupts the main education, they need to avoid spending
time
to learn
Change the verb form
learning
show examples
. To be more clear, some universities or programs require high academic achievements, so those pupils, who should not be aware of global
news
, should concentrate on their preparation for exams.
For instance
, a candidate who has an interest in only
news
 or minor things would get rejected from colleges or universities since they did not prepare enough.
To sum up
, some believe that keeping up with global
news
 should be taught in high schools, yet other people think that it is not true.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your introduction does a good job of presenting both views and your own stance. However, try to make it more engaging and clear, perhaps by posing a question or emphasizing the importance of global news education.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. For example, mention particular world events that might be relevant to students' future careers or give an anecdote about a student benefiting from international news education.
coherence cohesion
Improve your transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs. Use more linking words and phrases like 'furthermore', 'moreover', 'in contrast', etc., to create a smoother flow.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to revisit your conclusion to better summarize the key points you've discussed. It currently feels a bit abrupt and doesn't fully recapture the arguments presented.
task achievement
You have a balanced discussion covering both viewpoints, which is key to addressing the prompt comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure to your essay, and your arguments are easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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