Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic courses which are useful to the career of students; courses like music and sports are not useful and therefore should not be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days academic
courses
become more popular and have fascinated observers,
as a result
of more useful careers.
In certain
Change preposition
Certain
show examples
,
people
think that academic
courses
are better than other
courses
such
as sports, music, and art.
While
others believe that
side
courses
could enhance other skills that are important to life.
this
essay will discuss both sides and will draw my personal conclusion.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
hand, several
people
disagree with
side
courses
and they think that will waste time. Provided that other
courses
could take more than two
hours
daily
instead
of academic
courses
.
However
, these two
hours
could be specific for more useful lectures.
For example
,
this
type of
people
will prefer to improve the
students
Change to a genitive case
student's
students'
show examples
professional skills through academic lectures
instead
of
sides
Fix the agreement mistake
side
show examples
entertainment
courses
.
Therefore
, some
people
think that academic
skills
Add a verb
skills are
skills were
show examples
mandatory.
On the other hand
, students need to interrupt studying by enjoying at least one or two
hours
in entertainment and hobby sections to tolerate the academic
courses
. To illustrate, if they handle seven
hours
during the week without any enjoyment or rest they may depressed or become more and more stressed.
In
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
they in high extant can't consistently
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
advance academically.
This
proves clearly that without other
courses
vast majority can't stand. In conclusion, after a careful analysis of both points
view
Change preposition
of view
show examples
, I believe that academic
courses
and
sides
Fix the agreement mistake
side
show examples
entertainment
courses
are both important but, they should balance the time and I disagree with
replace
Change the verb form
replacing
show examples
side
courses
with academic
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
because enjoyment is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
essential to concentrate
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
academic
courses
. even if academic
courses
are more popular compared with other
courses
I agree with offering the
side
courses
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
.
Submitted by shahad.san966 on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on each argument with more specific examples. For instance, discuss how learning music could aid in cognitive development or how sports might promote teamwork.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your essay’s logical structure. Try ensuring smoother transitions between your ideas and paragraphs to improve the overall flow.
general advice
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos. Though they do not significantly detract from the meaning, eliminating them can enhance coherence and reader understanding.
task achievement
You clearly presented both sides of the argument which demonstrates a balanced view on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively summarize your points.
task achievement
Your writing reflects a good attempt to engage with the question, showing a thoughtful consideration of different perspectives.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • well-rounded education
  • holistic development
  • traditional academic courses
  • multiple intelligences
  • personal growth
  • professional athlete
  • music therapist
  • soft skills
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • leadership
  • stress relief
  • mental health
  • cultural enrichment
  • global career
  • cognitive abilities
  • concentration
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