Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic courses which are useful to the career of students; courses like music and sports are not useful and therefore should not be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
These days academic
courses
become more popular and have fascinated observers, as a result
of more useful careers. In certain
, Change preposition
Certain
people
think that academic courses
are better than other courses
such
as sports, music, and art. While
others believe that side
courses
could enhance other skills that are important to life. this
essay will discuss both sides and will draw my personal conclusion.
In
Change preposition
On
one
hand, several Correct article usage
the one
people
disagree with side
courses
and they think that will waste time. Provided that other courses
could take more than two hours
daily instead
of academic courses
. However
, these two hours
could be specific for more useful lectures. For example
, this
type of people
will prefer to improve the students
professional skills through academic lectures Change to a genitive case
student's
students'
instead
of sides
entertainment Fix the agreement mistake
side
courses
. Therefore
, some people
think that academic skills
mandatory.
Add a verb
skills are
skills were
On the other hand
, students need to interrupt studying by enjoying at least one or two hours
in entertainment and hobby sections to tolerate the academic courses
. To illustrate, if they handle seven hours
during the week without any enjoyment or rest they may depressed or become more and more stressed. In
addition
they in high extant can't consistently Add a comma
addition,
to
advance academically. Fix the infinitive
apply
This
proves clearly that without other courses
vast majority can't stand.
In conclusion, after a careful analysis of both points view
, I believe that academic Change preposition
of view
courses
and sides
entertainment Fix the agreement mistake
side
courses
are both important but, they should balance the time and I disagree with replace
Change the verb form
replacing
side
courses
with academic one
because enjoyment is Correct pronoun usage
ones
a
essential to concentrate Change the article
apply
in
academic Change preposition
on
courses
. even if academic courses
are more popular compared with other courses
I agree with offering the side
courses
to
.Correct your spelling
too
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task achievement
Consider expanding on each argument with more specific examples. For instance, discuss how learning music could aid in cognitive development or how sports might promote teamwork.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your essay’s logical structure. Try ensuring smoother transitions between your ideas and paragraphs to improve the overall flow.
general advice
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos. Though they do not significantly detract from the meaning, eliminating them can enhance coherence and reader understanding.
task achievement
You clearly presented both sides of the argument which demonstrates a balanced view on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively summarize your points.
task achievement
Your writing reflects a good attempt to engage with the question, showing a thoughtful consideration of different perspectives.