IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Children nowadays are experiencing health issues, which were previously believed to be exclusive to adults. Obesity, a significant health problem, is widespread among young individuals. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #health #adults #obesity #individuals
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Nowadays,
children
 are experiencing health issues, and one of them is obesity, which
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 previously believed to be suffered by adults.
Hence
, in
this
 essay, I will discuss some reasons why
this
 issue occurs and present some solutions to
this
 matter. The first main cause
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
children
 developing obesity is
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the consumption of unhealthy foods and drinks containing high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of sugar.
For instance
, boba milk teas and candies, which
children
 love to cater for,
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 both chemical ingredients and artificial
sweetener
Fix the agreement mistake
sweeteners
show examples
 which can be very difficult to digest.
Thus
,
this
 results in the level of blood sugar
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 uncontrollably. Other than that,
children
 are highly influenced by social media, as many influencers promote foods that seem healthy, but in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 it is not. There are several ways to solve these issues.
Firstly
, parents can monitor their child’s diet, which can help
children
 avoid eating unhealthy food and lower the chances of high blood sugar. Parents can
also
 control what their
children
 watch on social media,
hence
 when they ask for products marketed by influencers, parents could check
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 contents and decide whether or not to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
To conclude
, some reasons why
children
 can experience health issues
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 caused by their diet and the influence of social media, which can be solved by monitoring what they eat and checking illegible sources on the internet.
Submitted by kelly on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively by identifying the causes of childhood obesity and suggesting relevant solutions. To further improve, you might consider expanding on some of the solutions with more details or examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates clear and logical structure with an appropriate introduction and conclusion. Some transitions between ideas could be made smoother. Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of information.
coherence cohesion
You supported your main points well, but adding more specific examples and further clarifying some points would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-organized structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in presenting a coherent response to the task.
task achievement
You included relevant examples, such as mentioning boba milk teas and candies, to support your points. This adds credibility to your arguments.
task achievement
The essay directly addresses both parts of the question, discussing causes and offering solutions, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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