IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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An argument appeared among people that
phones
Use synonyms
 are not allowed to be used by
children
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 during the
school
Use synonyms
day
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 but others believe the opposite. Mobile
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 during the
school
Use synonyms
day
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 can distract
children
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 from studying, but
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
phones
Use synonyms
 can be helpful for them to
study
Use synonyms
 with many advanced features. I believe the
use
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 of
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 by
children
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
day
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 should be ok as long as parental control exists. The idea of prohibiting
children
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 from using
phones
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 in
school
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 days is because it can distract them from
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study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 or doing their homework. It has been a concern for people that excessive usage of
phones
Use synonyms
 by the young generation can be harmful. There is evidence that games and social media
for instance
Linking Words
, which are featured on
phones
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, can influence
children
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 to excessive phone usage and lead them to neglect the value of
study
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
use
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 of
phones
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 can be helpful for
children
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 to
study
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 with features in it. The access to the internet and some applications in current
phones
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 with high technology is considered helpful for
children
Use synonyms
 to
study
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can access any source of information required with an internet connection and there are a lot of applications available that can help
children
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study
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as the Ruang Guru application that consists of learning material which accessible easily or even a translation application. I believe that the
use
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 of
phones
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 can be a good development for
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 to help them
study
Use synonyms
 during
school
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 days with parental supervision.
Parent
Add an article
A parent
The parent
show examples
 should control
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
use
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 of
phones
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 by their
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
, in terms of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
purposes
Fix the agreement mistake
purpose
show examples
 limitation and time
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
.
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Childern
Correct your spelling
Children
 should be advised and supervised that
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 can be used during
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
day
Use synonyms
 only for
study
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purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
 and limit them
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 particular
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 to prevent them
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 excessive
use
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. In conclusion, the debate
Change preposition
about wheter
show examples
wheter
Correct your spelling
whether children
childern
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 should be allowed to
use
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phones
Use synonyms
 during
school
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 days or not
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 still
apperead
Correct your spelling
occurring
 in society. But
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 personally believe with parental supervision, the
use
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 of
phones
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 can be
an advantages
Correct the article-noun agreement
an advantage
advantages
show examples
 to help
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 to
study
Use synonyms
.

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Grammar
Pay attention to grammatical details and look over your essay for minor errors. For example, 'phones are not allowed to be used by children' can be better framed as 'phones should not be allowed for use by children.'
Coherence
Ensure all paragraphs are well-connected with a clear flow from one to another. Use more transition words like 'therefore,' 'furthermore,' and 'in contrast' to guide the reader more smoothly through the essay.
Task Achievement
Provide more concrete examples and statistics to support your arguments. This will make your points stronger and more credible.
Task Response
The essay addresses both views of the argument clearly and fairly, giving your own opinion as well.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effective, giving a good overview and summary of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with main points clearly identified and discussed in separate paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
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