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Band 7

Students in some countries leave school without good understanding of how to manage their money. What do you think are the reasons? What are the solutions to this problem?

#students #countries #school #money
In recent years, the topic of whether students in some countries do not know how to manage
money
 after leaving school has heated discussion in society. There are many factors that contribute to the poor financial knowledge of students, and measures will need to be taken to solve
this
 problem. First and foremost, the main reason why young
people
 do not know how to manage
money
 is that young
people
 in society lack the opportunity to access courses on managing finances
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because
schools
 only require children to improve their academic performance.
Secondly
, in my hometown of Shanghai, China ,
parents
 believe that they should give young
people
 pocket
money
 to spend . Young
people
 only need to improve their studies, and young
people
 will have
money
 to spend.
Therefore
,
this
 will have a negative impact on young
people
's management of
money
. In order to solve the problem that young
people
 do not know how to manage their finances,
schools
 and
parents
 need to pay attention to
this
 issue. First of all,
schools
 can provide courses on financial management and teach students about financial knowledge, so that young
people
 can prevent some negative problems in managing
money
 from an early age. The second point is that
parents
 can give their children rewards,
such
 as children who have good test scores or complete part of the housework, and
parents
 can give them monetary rewards. In
this
 way, young
people
 will manage their
money
 better when they spend the
money
 they earn. In summary,
although
 various factors have led to the above problems, it is positive to solve
this
 problem through cooperation between
schools
 and
parents
.
Submitted by 3100880965 on

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task achievement
Your essay clearly addresses the task and provides a complete response. However, you should further develop your ideas with more detailed examples and explanations to make them more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows logically from one to the next. This will improve the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively introduced the topic and concluded your essay with a summary that reinforces your main points.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant examples, especially the mention of the situation in Shanghai, China, which adds to the specificity of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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