At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults,compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
The current trend of
population
increase in some cities is emerging
the number of young Verb problem
increasing
adult
more than Change to a plural noun
adults
the
older Correct article usage
apply
people
. While
there are some positive effects of this
phenomenon, in my opinion
the negative effects outweigh the positive.
One significant advantage is Add the comma(s)
opinion,
benefit
to the development of the city and the country. Young and intelligent Add an article
a benefit
the benefit
people
not only support the economic system
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
the technological areas. The youth are more willing to take risk
and are adaptableFix the agreement mistake
risks
a
variety of technologies, which leads to economic development. Change preposition
to a
Additionally
, followed by the increasing workers , more tax
will be paid, which Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
cans
have benefits to the welfare and medical insurance of the old generation.
Correct subject-verb agreement
can
Howeve
, a youthful Correct your spelling
However
population
brings some difficulties that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
such
as pressure on education
Add an article
the education
system
and housing. Every city has limited
Correct article usage
a limited
population
of young people
overcome
the Correct pronoun usage
who overcome
limitation
of the educational Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
system
, it
can Correct pronoun usage
which
leads
to a lot of students not being able to access a Change the verb form
lead
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
of
education. Change preposition
apply
Furthermore
, the pressure on the government for housing supply and the pressure on people
to rent interact intricately related. It is becoming a problem that youth suffer the mental health because of higher ranted
and increasing homelessness.
In conclusion, we can not ignore that the increasing number of young Correct your spelling
rates
people
bring
benefits to Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
economic
Add an article
the economic
system
and new technologies. However
, there are also
some serious disadvantages for the society and older. As a result
, I firmly believe that the advantages of a large population
of young people
outweigh the disadvantages.Submitted by hsmkashi on
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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear discussion on the topic, but some ideas could be more fully developed to provide a more comprehensive response. Make sure to provide more specific examples to illustrate your points.
coherence
Your essay has a basic structure but could benefit from more logical organization. Each paragraph should have one main idea that is well-supported. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, but ensure that the conclusion accurately reflects the content of the essay. The essay states that disadvantages outweigh advantages, but the conclusion seems to state the opposite. Clarify this to avoid confusion.
cohesion
Some sentences and ideas lack clarity and grammatical accuracy. Review and refine sentences to enhance clarity, coherence, and flow. This will improve the overall readability of your essay.
coherence
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
Your discussion includes relevant points about economic development, technological advancement, education, and housing.
task achievement
You have made an effort to balance the advantages and disadvantages, which shows your understanding of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.