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Band 6.5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both theses views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #time #theses
Organizing with other people is unarguably one of the most necessary skills to obtain from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
early childhood. The skill itself can be obtained through various ways,
such
 as joining group activities in free time. Yet, others believe it is important that
children
 learn how to occupy themselves on their own.
Hence
 in
this
 essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss both views and provide the reason why I strongly agree with the importance of socializing
due to
 some reasons set out below.  Undoubtedly, socializing is one of the main factors that makes humans social creatures. There are various ways to teach the little ones how to socialize,
such
 as by enrolling them in organized extracurricular activities, like kindergarten, extracurricular classes, and even letting them play in the nearby playground. By doing so, The
children
 are forced to socialize and make new friends. That way, they will obtain the ability to make friends from
such
 a tender age.
On the other hand
, some people believe that it is not less important to teach
children
 how to survive on their own without socializing.
For example
, in conditions
such
 as bullying, it is important for them to stand up and defend themselves. By implying so, it is believed that the young ones are supposed to be able to learn how to defend themselves from the cruel people around them. Taking everything into consideration,
although
 it is not less important for
children
 to defend themselves from others, I stand firm in my decision that socializing is the most important skill and aspect that needs to be taught to the tender ones from
such
 an early age.
Submitted by kelly on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both viewpoints and provides a clear opinion. However, the reasoning for some points could be more developed. Including more specific examples and deeper analysis will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are appropriately set, the logical flow between some paragraphs needs improvement. Ensure smooth transitions between ideas and maintain a clear structure.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and your opinion, setting up the essay well.
task achievement
The essay does a good job of addressing both sides of the argument before presenting a personal opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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