In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In some nations,
children
are working for paid
work
. Many people think
this
has no right,
while
some others argue
this
kind of
work
can give the
children
a meaningful
work
experience
.
Although
working as
children
could help them
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
get a job in the future, I believe that it should be a
crime
regarding
Change preposition
to
show examples
child
labour
. On the one hand, working
children
Change preposition
with children
show examples
could be a valuable
experience
because it could help them to
beemployees
Correct your spelling
be employees
employees
after they finish school.
This
is because many
companies
nowadays require their applicants to have several
years
of working
experience
, even for fresh graduates.
As a result
, with that
experience
,
children
could be looked after more by
companies
because they fulfil one of the job's requirements.
For example
, big
companies
like Unilever, BCG, ASTRA, and PwC in Indonesia only accept applicants who have several
years
of internship
while
they are still at school.
However
, I believe
children
can wait until they are legal or after the age of 17
years
to start their first
work
to find an
experience
.
On the other hand
, making
children
work
and get paid is completely a wrong situation because it could lead to a
crime
like
child
labour
.
This
is to say that people who are under 17
years
old are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
who do not have the responsibility to
work
to get money.
Children
's jobs are to learn and play
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
working is the responsibility of adults.
This
kind of rule is regulated by most countries, it can be said that
such
companies
are frauds for not obeying
this
regulation.
For example
,
'Besi
Correct article usage
the 'Besi
show examples
Kuat' Factory, a furniture factory production in West Java, Indonesia, was banned from the country in 2018
due to
child
labour
because they used
children
near the factory to
work
for them.
For
this
reason, I believe that to make
children
work
can be defined as a
crime
. In conclusion,
although
some people think that working as a
child
can give them valuable
experience
because it could help them to get a job in the future, I believe that it is completely wrong because it can lead to
child
labour
crime
.
Submitted by ralitsa.zk on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and the main points are generally well-supported. However, there are areas for improvement in conveying your ideas more comprehensively and clearly. Consider elaborating on your points to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's logical structure is effective, but ensure seamless transitions between paragraphs. Use linking words or phrases to enhance cohesion and make your argument more fluid.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views on the topic and provides a well-argued opinion, which is essential for Task Response. You effectively discuss benefits and drawbacks and support your stance with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
The paragraphs are well-organized, and the essay follows a logical structure, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument from introduction to conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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