Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More governments money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is said that there is too much focus on educating the youth,
while
these funds are
ought to be invested in funding Unnecessary verb
apply
activities
for young people
to do during their leisure time. I completely disagree with this
statement.
Admittedly, spending more money on free time activities
for young people
is important for many reasons. Firstly
, by receiving more funding, establishments catered
to these Wrong verb form
catering
activities
will be able to keep up with upkeep costs, which ensures that the equipment of these places are
state of the art. Change the verb form
is
Subsequently
, visitors of
these areas will have an enhanced experience, improving their mood considerably after a stressful day. Change preposition
to
Furthermore
, these play spots are vital for the development of mental and physical health in young individuals. By providing them a place to relax and play sports after work, these public spots will have the ability to provide the young with adequate space for physical and therapeutic activities
.
However
, I believe that we are not overrating the importance of teaching the young. On a personal level, by providing children with good
education, they will have better cognitive abilities, which will help them be more logical and solve problems more quickly. Correct article usage
a good
Consequently
, these younger people
will have a higher chance of succeeding in their future work. Moreover
, the school environment will help students to
learn skills Verb problem
apply
such
as communicating with others and building everlasting relationships through their exposure to a diverse range of people
while
at school. On a societal level, investing more capital into the educational system will give learning institutes the chance to improve their curriculums, offering students better learning methods, which will increase their intellect and academic performance. As a result
, youth will be more educated and this
will create more intelligent people
who can contribute to society through their work. Therefore
, emphasizing education for the young is vital for both themselves and society.
In conclusion, while
acknowledging the importance of spending more funds on leisure activities
as
it helps the places designed for these Correct word choice
apply
activities
stay in mint condition and these areas are also
vital for stress relief and physical development. I contend that we are not overspending on the education of the youths due to
the benefits of a more developed mind, offering an environment for them to thrive for themselves and their potential contributions to society.Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, try to further expand on your arguments with more specific examples. For instance, mention particular programs or studies that highlight the benefits of educational investments or leisure activities.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea.
task achievement
You have provided a comprehensive response to the topic, addressing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has clear and coherent paragraphs with a smooth flow from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument and provide a clear stance on the issue.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example