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Writing Samples
Band 6

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More governments money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is said that there is too much focus on educating the youth,
while
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 these funds
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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ought to be invested in funding
activities
Use synonyms
 for young
people
Use synonyms
 to do during their leisure time. I completely disagree with
this
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 statement. Admittedly, spending more money on free time
activities
Use synonyms
 for young
people
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 is important for many reasons.
Firstly
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, by receiving more funding, establishments
catered
Wrong verb form
catering
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 to these
activities
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 will be able to keep up with upkeep costs, which ensures that the equipment of these places
are
Change the verb form
is
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 state of the art.
Subsequently
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, visitors
of
Change preposition
to
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 these areas will have an enhanced experience, improving their mood considerably after a stressful day.
Furthermore
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, these play spots are vital for the development of mental and physical health in young individuals. By providing them a place to relax and play sports after work, these public spots will have the ability to provide the young with adequate space for physical and therapeutic
activities
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.
However
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, I believe that we are not overrating the importance of teaching the young. On a personal level, by providing children with
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 education, they will have better cognitive abilities, which will help them be more logical and solve problems more quickly.
Consequently
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, these younger
people
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 will have a higher chance of succeeding in their future work.
Moreover
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, the school environment will help students
to
Verb problem
apply
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learn skills
such
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 as communicating with others and building everlasting relationships through their exposure to a diverse range of
people
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while
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 at school. On a societal level, investing more capital into the educational system will give learning institutes the chance to improve their curriculums, offering students better learning methods, which will increase their intellect and academic performance.
As a result
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, youth will be more educated and
this
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 will create more intelligent
people
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 who can contribute to society through their work.
Therefore
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, emphasizing education for the young is vital for both themselves and society. In conclusion,
while
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 acknowledging the importance of spending more funds on leisure
activities
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as
Correct word choice
apply
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it helps the places designed for these
activities
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 stay in mint condition and these areas are
also
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 vital for stress relief and physical development. I contend that we are not overspending on the education of the youths
due to
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 the benefits of a more developed mind, offering an environment for them to thrive for themselves and their potential contributions to society.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, try to further expand on your arguments with more specific examples. For instance, mention particular programs or studies that highlight the benefits of educational investments or leisure activities.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea.
task achievement
You have provided a comprehensive response to the topic, addressing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has clear and coherent paragraphs with a smooth flow from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument and provide a clear stance on the issue.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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