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Writing Samples
Band 6

Should one join short-term military training after graduation?

#graduation
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It is sometimes argued that young
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should participate in short-term military training after graduation. Some people may support
this
Linking Words
 idea
due to
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 a sense of responsibility.
However
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, I believe that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should not be required to undergo short-term military training after graduation because it may infringe on human rights and lead to bullying.
Firstly
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, short-term military training can affect human rights. Nowadays,
teenagers
Use synonyms
 tend to be individualistic. They prefer to showcase their talents rather than simply obeying older individuals.
According to
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 BBC News, over sixty per cent of
teenagers
Use synonyms
 oppose joining military training because they find it difficult to follow the strict rules.
Additionally
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, some believe that the training is irrelevant to their future careers.
Therefore
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, it is crucial for the government to motivate them
instead
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.
Secondly
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, bullying may occur during the training. Some
teenagers
Use synonyms
 are not as strong in sports, making it challenging for them to keep up with the training regimen.
Consequently
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, they may become the subject of ridicule and body shaming, which can impact their mental health.
For instance
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, an overweight student may run slower than his peers, leading the instructor to punish him
while
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 others watch and laugh. In conclusion, I am against the mandatory inclusion of all
teenagers
Use synonyms
 in short-term military training after graduation
due to
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 concerns about human rights and the potential for bullying.
Submitted by millstonelee on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue and addresses the prompt comprehensively. However, consider providing a brief exploration of potential benefits to strengthen the rebuttal and overall argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Although your ideas are well-organized, ensure all points are interconnected smoothly. Using more varied transition phrases could improve the logical flow.
task achievement
Try to incorporate a few more examples or evidence to support each main point more robustly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a well-structured introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are clearly supported with relevant arguments, which contributes to the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples that effectively illustrate your main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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