IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people believe that having fixed punishments for all crimes is a more efficient way to deal with crime. What is your opinion?

#people #punishments #crimes #crime
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Several
people
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 agree that strict
laws
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 and fixed
punishments
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 for crimes are a better solution to solve a nation’s issues with criminality. In
this
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 essay, I will convey my thoughts on
this
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 issue in more detail. In today’s society, many
people
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 are entangled in various
offenses
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offences
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, violations, and crimes.
This
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 indicates that the government’s
laws
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 are not effective and lack proper punishment.
However
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,
this
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 situation
also
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 arises
due to
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 other factors
such
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 as financial problems, mental health disorders, and impulsive
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behavior
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behaviour
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. These issues can lead
people
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 to make mindless attempts to achieve their goals through criminal activities. One reason why stricter
laws
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 may not be the best solution is that criminal
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behavior
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behaviour
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 is often influenced by deeper issues. If
criminals
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 do not consider the
laws
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 and
punishments
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, they are unlikely to be deterred by stricter penalties.
As a result
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, simply increasing the severity of
punishments
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 may not reduce the number of
people
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 in prison. Former
criminals
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 may continue to engage in criminal activities if their underlying
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and mindsets are not addressed. Strict
punishments
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 alone may not change their attitudes or rehabilitate them.
Instead
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, a better solution might be to focus on
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behavior
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behaviour
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 improvement within a positive environment. Providing productive activities and opportunities for personal development can encourage
criminals
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 to engage in positive
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
.
For instance
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, education and vocational training programs can equip them with skills needed for gainful employment, reducing the likelihood of reoffending. By addressing the root causes of criminal
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behavior
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behaviour
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 and promoting rehabilitation, society can hope to reduce impulsive actions and recidivism. In conclusion, I believe that a focus on rehabilitation and positive
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behavior
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behaviour
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 change is more effective for reducing crime than simply imposing stricter
punishments
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.
This
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 approach can help both the perpetrators and the government by reducing the prison population and encouraging
criminals
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 to reconsider their actions before engaging in negative
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behavior
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behaviour
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides a well-rounded argument. However, it could benefit from a more specific example to support the discussion on rehabilitation programs.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, consider using more transition words to clearly connect your ideas between paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task achievement
Your arguments are logical and well-supported, offering a balanced view on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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