Today whereas some people advocate that players must have physical strenght, others argue that mental skills are much important. Discuss both views and give your opinion?
Undeniably,
that
having a healthy Correct word choice
apply
life
is a dream of most the
Correct article usage
apply
people
. Some people
think that having physical strength
is better. However
, individuals
think that mental skills
are important to human lives
. This
essay will discuss both views, and I believe between
them has many benefits to human Change preposition
that
lives
.
To begin
with, physical strength
has many benefits for human in their lives
. There are several reasons why human advocate players must have physical strength
. Firstly
, have a lower risk of the disease which is able to affect the human body in their daily activities. For instance
, individuals
who have work offices far from their house easily gain some diseases because do long travel every morning and night. Therefore
, they must have physical strength
in order to prevent their lives
from disease attacks. In addition
, have strong bodies able to help a human from a crime such
as theft, kidnapping, and bullying, because they are able to protect themselves with their muscle.
On the other hand
, mental skills
are very essential in human life
in order to protect them from big pressures in their lives
. For instance
, some people
who have an occupation in a high position such
as director
Correct article usage
the director
on
the company easier to gain stress when their company on Change preposition
of
harm
condition because of some mistake that Replace the word
harmful
employee
Correct article usage
an employee
was making
. Wrong verb form
makes
This
situation can lead individuals
to take bad ways to solve their problems such
as suicide. Therefore
mental health is very important for human life
in order to avoid wrong decisions that are made by someone under high pressure. In addition
, mental skills
can protect citizens from living pressure that always increases as long increases
age.
In conclusion, both physical Correct word choice
as increases
strength
and mental skills
have benefits on human life
depending on their occupation. People
who have occupations related to physical work are accused have physical strength
, and individuals
who have occupations related to thinking abilities are accused have mental health and good skills
to solve their problems .Submitted by patricius.yohanes on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and discusses both views, but the argument for the importance of physical strength could be strengthened with more varied examples. Additionally, there are a few inaccuracies and unclear sentences that could be improved for clarity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear; however, transition sentences between points could be better. Ensure each paragraph clearly builds upon the previous one.
coherence cohesion
Include a more robust introduction that outlines the main arguments you will be discussing. Similarly, the conclusion could succinctly summarize the arguments while providing a final opinion.
task achievement
Make sure examples are relevant and specific to illustrate your points clearly. For instance, provide concrete examples of occupations or situations where mental skills are crucial.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and successfully discusses both physical strength and mental skills.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay includes an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in maintaining the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
You use some good linking words and phrases like 'To begin with' and 'On the other hand' to introduce new points, which aids readability.
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