IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today whereas some people advocate that players must have physical strenght, others argue that mental skills are much important. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

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Undeniably,
that
Correct word choice
apply
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having a healthy
life
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 is a dream of most
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
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. Some
people
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 think that having physical
strength
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 is better.
However
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,
individuals
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 think that mental
skills
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 are important to human
lives
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views, and I believe
between
Change preposition
that
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 them has many benefits to human
lives
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.
To begin
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 with, physical
strength
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 has many benefits for human in their
lives
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. There are several reasons why human advocate players must have physical
strength
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.
Firstly
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, have a lower risk of the disease which is able to affect the human body in their daily activities.
For instance
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,
individuals
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 who have work offices far from their house easily gain some diseases because do long travel every morning and night.
Therefore
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, they must have physical
strength
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 in order to prevent their
lives
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 from disease attacks.
In addition
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, have strong bodies able to help a human from a crime
such
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 as theft, kidnapping, and bullying, because they are able to protect themselves with their muscle.
On the other hand
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, mental
skills
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 are very essential in human
life
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 in order to protect them from big pressures in their
lives
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.
For instance
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, some
people
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 who have an occupation in a high position
such
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 as
director
Correct article usage
the director
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on
Change preposition
of
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 the company easier to gain stress when their company on
harm
Replace the word
harmful
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 condition because of some mistake that
employee
Correct article usage
an employee
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was making
Wrong verb form
makes
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.
This
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 situation can lead
individuals
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 to take bad ways to solve their problems
such
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 as suicide.
Therefore
Linking Words
 mental health is very important for human
life
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 in order to avoid wrong decisions that are made by someone under high pressure.
In addition
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, mental
skills
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 can protect citizens from living pressure that always increases as long
increases
Correct word choice
as increases
show examples
 age. In conclusion, both physical
strength
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 and mental
skills
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 have benefits on human
life
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 depending on their occupation.
People
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 who have occupations related to physical work are accused have physical
strength
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, and
individuals
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 who have occupations related to thinking abilities are accused have mental health and good
skills
Use synonyms
 to solve their problems .

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task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and discusses both views, but the argument for the importance of physical strength could be strengthened with more varied examples. Additionally, there are a few inaccuracies and unclear sentences that could be improved for clarity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear; however, transition sentences between points could be better. Ensure each paragraph clearly builds upon the previous one.
coherence cohesion
Include a more robust introduction that outlines the main arguments you will be discussing. Similarly, the conclusion could succinctly summarize the arguments while providing a final opinion.
task achievement
Make sure examples are relevant and specific to illustrate your points clearly. For instance, provide concrete examples of occupations or situations where mental skills are crucial.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and successfully discusses both physical strength and mental skills.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay includes an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in maintaining the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
You use some good linking words and phrases like 'To begin with' and 'On the other hand' to introduce new points, which aids readability.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • endurance
  • psychological resilience
  • strategic decisions
  • maintain focus
  • manage stress
  • emotional control
  • physical demands
  • performance
  • optimal performance
  • tailored psychological coaching
  • personal growth
  • winning and losing
  • pivotal role
  • physical fitness
  • excelling
  • athlete
  • body mechanics
  • muscle conditioning
  • cardiovascular health
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