IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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These days,
children
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 are addicted to their mobile
phones
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 and spend most of their
time
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 on them. Personally, I believe that
this
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 has a negative impact on
children
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’s lives. In
this
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 essay, I will explore the reasons why
this
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 trend is occurring, and give some reasons to support my opinion. Recently, it is irrefutable that the Internet is widely integrated into our lives;
furthermore
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, the number of people who use it has significantly increased.
On the other hand
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, new cell
phones
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 usually come with increasingly advanced and cool features. In fact, almost all cell
phones
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 have Wi-Fi facilities and can connect to the Internet easily.
Moreover
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, there are miscellaneous games on it, turning it into an addictive gadget, especially for
children
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.
Additionally
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, there are numerous social media platforms where
children
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 can communicate with individuals around the world online and easily make new friends.
Therefore
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, young generations have been attracted to
this
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 device by its amazing features.
However
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, spending too much
time
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 on cell
phones
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 can lead to disastrous consequences.
For example
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, it has been proven that looking at the phone screen for long hours can damage the eyes and reduce the level of vision;
also
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, it can hurt the neck.
Thus
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, health problems can be created by using smartphones constantly. Another issue is that some
children
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 are so addicted to
this
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 device that they do not care about what is going on around them.
Consequently
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, they cannot assign enough
time
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 to their responsibilities. So, I think
this
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 procedure is a negative development.
To conclude
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, some young generations use their mobile
phones
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 most of the
time
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.
Although
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 proposing
this
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 device makes our life much more convenient, it can affect
children
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 negatively; so, in my view, it is a negative development.

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coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence, try to use more transitional phrases to smoothly connect your ideas. For example, phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Another reason is,' and 'Furthermore' help the reader to follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
For task response, provide more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your argument. For instance, delve deeper into specific health issues or social problems caused by excessive smartphone use. Specific studies or statistics could also help.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure and vocabulary to maintain the reader’s interest. Using a variety of sentence beginnings and some less common words can make your essay more engaging.
task achievement
You’ve clearly stated your opinion and consistently supported it throughout the essay, which makes your position easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This enhances readability.
task achievement
You’ve addressed both parts of the task, explaining why children spend so much time on smartphones and expressing your view on whether this is a positive or negative development.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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