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Band 5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Some people believe that we should not help people in other countries

#world #communities #countries #people
There
is
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are
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 no
doubts
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doubt
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, that plenty of problems exist in the world;
however
, I believe that
people
 should pay attention
on
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to
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 issues
of
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in
show examples
areas
Correct article usage
the areas
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, where they live.
This
 essay will explore my point of view with examples.
To begin
 with,
definetely
Correct your spelling
definitely
, the situation in our surroundings is more important than the remote
prombems
Correct your spelling
problems
probes
 are.
This
 is because the issues
wich
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which
show examples
 affect lives directly have to be solved at
firsty
Correct your spelling
first
.
For instance
, the level of crime in the district where we live could be more significant for local residents than the revolution in the continent of Africa. Alternatively, if
people
Add a missing verb
are concern
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concern
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concerned
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 about
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foreign
foreing
Correct your spelling
foreign
 troubles
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
more
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apply
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, they will not spend their taxes on maintaining local roads, repairing public schools, and
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creating
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creation
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creating
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 jobs in their cities.
As a result
, the personal issues, that
people
 can touch, are more significant in most cases.
In addition
, the aid for foreign countries may lead to
the
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apply
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negative consequences for the recipients.
Firstly
, some
people
 think that
the
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apply
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financial support demands
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 refund with percentages that could be considered as a form of financial slavery. Kazakhstan, as
a
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an
show examples
 example, has more than 100
billions dollar
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billion dollars
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debt
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in debt
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,
wich
Correct your spelling
which
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 our government must return in
next
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the next
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 decades, no matter how difficult it could be.
Secondly
,
the
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apply
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military support increases the number of deaths in
a
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apply
show examples
light of the more severe and active military operations. It is hard to deny that the sending
missiles
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of missiles
show examples
 from North Korea to Russia and from
US
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the US
show examples
 to Ukraine exacerbated the conflict and
rose
Verb problem
raised
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number
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a number
the number
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 of deaths. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, I would like to enhance the desire of individuals to work on their own goals, and after that
concern
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concerned
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 about
far
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future
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 situations.
On the other hand
, the acceptance of help has lots of negative effects
for
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on
show examples
 developing states.
Submitted by sergeybelov83 on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure a stronger introduction and conclusion. The introduction should clearly outline the stance and main points that will be discussed. Similarly, the conclusion should effectively summarize the key points discussed.
logical structure
Work on improving coherence between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Use more transitional phrases to link ideas smoothly.
relevant specific examples
Provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. This will help strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
supported main points
The essay clearly outlines a stance and supports it with examples, ensuring a focused response to the prompt.
clear comprehensive ideas
The main points are well-explained and relevant to the argument.
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