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Writing Samples
Band 6

In may countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #retirement #age #work
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In the
aging
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ageing
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 population era, raising the
retirement
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age
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 is a topic of debate.
While
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 some believe
this
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 action brings society advantages, others believe that the disadvantages carry more weight.
This
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 essay will discuss both
abovementioned
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the abovementioned
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 matters before presenting my agreement on the former. On the one hand, it is believed that most developed countries' population is ageing.
This
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 is a result of younger generations not wanting to give birth;
hence
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, the workforce will be affected in the future. Raising the
retirement
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age
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 means
people
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 could
work
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 longer, anticipating meeting the
work
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 demands. To be specific, Korea has started to raise the
retirement
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age
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 for their citizens, as their workforce is severely affected
due to
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 the mentioned above. Recent research from Hanguk University presented that the number of skill
shortage
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shortages
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 in agriculture has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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decreased by 10%
due to
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 their government
push
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pushing
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 the
retirement
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age
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 higher in 2023.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 disagree with
above
Add an article
the above
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 view.
This
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 is a disadvantage to society as
people
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 will need to
work
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 for a longer period.
Additionally
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, it is believed that it could bring quality of life and
work
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 down.
Instead
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 of retiring at a certain
age
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, individuals will need to continue to
work
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further
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, to meet the social benefits.
This
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 action could cause demotivation to
work
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.
To conclude
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,
although
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 I acknowledge that working for a longer duration might cause dissatisfaction to some individuals, I am of the opinion that increasing the
age
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 for
people
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 to retire brings countless benefits to a country’s economy and society as a whole.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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task achievement
While the main points are clear, it would be helpful to include more examples or data to back up your arguments in both paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear transition between ideas by using appropriate linking words and phrases. This will maintain a smooth flow of information and make your argument easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction sets up the context and states the writer's position effectively.
logical structure
The essay is structured logically, with clear main points discussed in separate paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
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