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In may countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #retirement #age #work
In the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population era, raising the
retirement
age
 is a topic of debate.
While
 some believe
this
 action brings society advantages, others believe that the disadvantages carry more weight.
This
 essay will discuss both
abovementioned
Correct article usage
the abovementioned
show examples
 matters before presenting my agreement on the former. On the one hand, it is believed that most developed countries' population is ageing.
This
 is a result of younger generations not wanting to give birth;
hence
, the workforce will be affected in the future. Raising the
retirement
age
 means
people
 could
work
 longer, anticipating meeting the
work
 demands. To be specific, Korea has started to raise the
retirement
age
 for their citizens, as their workforce is severely affected
due to
 the mentioned above. Recent research from Hanguk University presented that the number of skill
shortage
Fix the agreement mistake
shortages
show examples
 in agriculture has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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decreased by 10%
due to
 their government
push
Wrong verb form
pushing
show examples
 the
retirement
age
 higher in 2023.
On the other hand
, many
people
 disagree with
above
Add an article
the above
show examples
 view.
This
 is a disadvantage to society as
people
 will need to
work
 for a longer period.
Additionally
, it is believed that it could bring quality of life and
work
 down.
Instead
 of retiring at a certain
age
, individuals will need to continue to
work
further
, to meet the social benefits.
This
 action could cause demotivation to
work
.
To conclude
,
although
 I acknowledge that working for a longer duration might cause dissatisfaction to some individuals, I am of the opinion that increasing the
age
 for
people
 to retire brings countless benefits to a country’s economy and society as a whole.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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task achievement
While the main points are clear, it would be helpful to include more examples or data to back up your arguments in both paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear transition between ideas by using appropriate linking words and phrases. This will maintain a smooth flow of information and make your argument easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction sets up the context and states the writer's position effectively.
logical structure
The essay is structured logically, with clear main points discussed in separate paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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