In may countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #retirement #age #work

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In the

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population era, raising the

retirement

age

is a topic of debate.

While

some believe

this

action brings society advantages, others believe that the disadvantages carry more weight.

This

essay will discuss both

abovementioned

Correct article usage

the abovementioned

show examples

matters before presenting my agreement on the former. On the one hand, it is believed that most developed countries' population is ageing.

This

is a result of younger generations not wanting to give birth;

hence

, the workforce will be affected in the future. Raising the

retirement

age

means

people

could

work

longer, anticipating meeting the

work

demands. To be specific, Korea has started to raise the

retirement

age

for their citizens, as their workforce is severely affected

due to

the mentioned above. Recent research from Hanguk University presented that the number of skill

shortage

Fix the agreement mistake

shortages

show examples

in agriculture has

been

Unnecessary verb

apply

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decreased by 10%

due to

their government

push

Wrong verb form

pushing

show examples

the

retirement

age

higher in 2023.

On the other hand

, many

people

disagree with

above

Add an article

the above

show examples

view.

This

is a disadvantage to society as

people

will need to

work

for a longer period.

Additionally

, it is believed that it could bring quality of life and

work

down.

Instead

of retiring at a certain

age

, individuals will need to continue to

work

further

, to meet the social benefits.

This

action could cause demotivation to

work

To conclude

although

I acknowledge that working for a longer duration might cause dissatisfaction to some individuals, I am of the opinion that increasing the

age

for

people

to retire brings countless benefits to a country’s economy and society as a whole.

Submitted by midden-02.tore on Sun Jun 16 2024

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task achievement

While the main points are clear, it would be helpful to include more examples or data to back up your arguments in both paragraphs.

coherence cohesion

Ensure there is a clear transition between ideas by using appropriate linking words and phrases. This will maintain a smooth flow of information and make your argument easier to follow.

introduction conclusion present

The introduction sets up the context and states the writer's position effectively.

logical structure

The essay is structured logically, with clear main points discussed in separate paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

257 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

retirement age
life expectancy
pension systems
financial pressure
economic growth
workforce
retirement savings
skills and knowledge transfer
job opportunities
health challenges
work-life balance
societal resistance
burnout
productivity
well-being

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In may countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

Nowadays, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women workers. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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​​Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and families. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree?