IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others says individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Is it a positive or negative development.

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It is argued that some
individuals
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 believe the
government
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 should provide financial support to retired
people
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. Others think
individuals
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 should save during their working years to fund their
retirement
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. From my point of view, I believe it is important to offer financial assistance to retired
individuals
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. It is true that many
people
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 become
government
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 servants or receive
retirement
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 benefits from
government
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 jobs because they want to live stably, supported by these funds. The primary reason for
this
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 preference is that those jobs are not affected by the global economy, and even as they age, employees typically do not lose their positions simply
due to
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 age.
Additionally
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, it is worth noting that during their working years,
individuals
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 can save enough for life after
retirement
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.
This
Linking Words
 is facilitated by numerous
government
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 benefits,
such
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 as free tuition and scholarships.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 should allocate funds for different purposes,
such
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 as enhancing education levels and improving public transportation.
On the other hand
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, it is undeniable that the
government
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 should provide
retirement
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 benefits to
individuals
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 who have worked for it their entire lives.
This
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 is because, compared to higher-salary jobs
such
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 as those of entrepreneurs or doctors, their salaries are quite low, which is a primary reason many
people
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 reconsider becoming
government
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 servants before starting their careers.
Moreover
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, if the
government
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 does not provide sufficient support for their post-
retirement
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 lives,
government
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 employees may not be motivated to work hard and might display less care in their work attitudes, leading to poor quality
in
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of
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government
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 services.
Additionally
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,
this
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 situation could drive
individuals
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 towards certain high-paying professions
such
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 as medicine, engineering, and entrepreneurship, as they may feel they cannot afford their lifestyles as
government
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 servants. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that
individuals
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 can save money during their working years, which is why the
government
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 should not have to allocate money to them after
retirement
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, I would assert that if there is no
retirement
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 money available after they retire,
people
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 would not try to work diligently, leading to
a
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apply
show examples
poor quality of services.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly define your position in the introduction and reiterate your main argument in the conclusion for better clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow between your paragraphs by using more linking words and phrases for better transitions.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments, particularly when stating why financial support is essential.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear opinion and engages with the topic effectively, showing understanding of both sides.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay into well-defined paragraphs, each addressing distinct points, which aids readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pension scheme
  • elderly poverty
  • financial independence
  • social solidarity
  • state-funded
  • financial literacy
  • working years
  • retirement fund
  • fiscal responsibility
  • income disparity
What to do next:
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