The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.
The graph illustrates the number of units of
electricity
used during the typical day in England in winter and summer,
while
the pie chart shows a split in
electricity
usage between the four different categories.
First,
during the typical summer day, the number of units is around 15-17 thousand units with two peaks, around 14.00 and 23.00.
Second,
in the winter, the demand fluctuates more
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and has
drop
Add an article
a drop
show examples
of 30000 at 7 am,
peak
Correct article usage
a peak
show examples
of 45000 at 10 pm and another one of 40000 at 3 am.
Finally
, in England, in the average home, 52.5% accounted for heating. Both lighting, TV, radio category and vacuum cleaners, food mixers, and electronic tools
category
Fix the agreement mistake
categories
show examples
accounted for 15% each,
while
ovens, kettles,
washing
Correct word choice
and washing
show examples
machines
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
17.5%
Overall
, in England, during the typical day, the demand for
electricity
in winter is twice as high as in summer, and more than half of the total
electricity
used
Add a missing verb
is used
show examples
for heating rooms and water,
while
the rest of the energy is split between the three other categories almost equally.
Submitted by vikiregev on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 73%.
Vocabulary: Replace the words electricity with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demand for electricity
  • typical days
  • line graph
  • seasonal variation
  • peak
  • fluctuations
  • exceeds
  • units of electricity
  • distribution of electricity usage
  • heating
  • water heating
  • combined total
  • major uses
  • lighting
  • ovens
  • kettles
  • washing machines
  • miscellaneous appliances
  • electronics
  • total usage
  • account for
What to do next:
Look at other essays: