IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Recent times have witnessed an increase in the number of
people
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 spending fortunes on their
complexions
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 for younger appearance.
This
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 essay will first examine the reasons behind
this
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 phenomenon and argue that, despite the advantages of
complexions
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,
this
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trend
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 is predominantly negative. An upward
trend
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 in investing a credible sum in
complexions
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 can be attributed to two main factors. One of these stems from the desire to attract others’ attention and
also
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Add an article
an acknowledgment
the acknowledgment
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acknowledgment
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acknowledgement
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 of their beauty, which is equivalent to a younger outlook in meaning.
This
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 has been proved by many psychological and neurological studies to bring individual positive senses
such
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 as happiness and pride.
Additionally
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, as the outburst of social platforms has allowed users to approach more
people
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 without limits in geography, gender, and age,
people
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 with competitive mindsets tend to increase demands for
complexions
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.
For instance
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, whenever there is a new standard in beauty, many have to pay more in order not to become old-fashioned or miss out.
Although
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 having large expenditures on personal features can confer upon
people
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 some benefits, I am convinced that it comes at the expense of many pronounced problems. The primary concern is its potential effect on finance. When chasing the
trend
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 of doing many
complexions
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, it may result in
over-spending
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overspending
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 which
further
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 escalates into debts regardless of the minor of
people
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 who a in relatively wealthy situations.
Moreover
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, to avoid facial
aging
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ageing
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 signals, some seek surgical interventions, which have implicit risks if being operated in under-qualified
centers
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centres
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. Take,
for example
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, a woman in Tay Ninh - Vietnam Nam was diagnosed to be blinded after she had experienced eyelid surgery. In conclusion, the positive aspect of spending large amounts of money to look younger is marginalizing its drawbacks. Despite certain benefits, I argue that
this
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 is
overall
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 a negative
trend
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, for it may contribute to severe financial problems and health issues.

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task response
To enhance task response, incorporate more specific examples that support your points. For instance, mention popular celebrities or beauty trends that highlight why people want to look younger.
task response
Provide a more balanced analysis of the positive and negative aspects of spending on complexion care. This would show a full discussion of both sides, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try using more transitional phrases to better connect your ideas. Words like 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' and 'consequently' can help the essay flow more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Watch for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which can slightly affect the clarity of your points. Consider revising sentences such as 'the minor of people who a in relatively wealthy situations' to 'the minority of people who are in relatively wealthy situations.'
structure
Your essay has a clear structure with a distinctive introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow your arguments.
support
You provided a relevant example about a woman in Tay Ninh, which illustrates the risks of surgical interventions very well.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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