IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good thing or bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience

#people #money #sports #events
. A significant number of individuals invest in sports and culture.
However
, recent research has shown that
spectaculars
Correct article usage
the spectaculars
show examples
 of sports play an absolutely critical role in the rise of finances in societies, and communities almost have many difficulties, overwhelmingly detrimental impact on all sides of societies. I am a strong advocate of
this
 approach, and the benefits of it will be covered in
this
 essay. Industrial entertainment has become
an
Change the article
apply
show examples
enormous since advertisements around stadiums or
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 of the main squire in concerts are desired. A lot of companies coordinate that event, which can be profitable for the local economy.
Moreover
, a substantial number of workers could take a new job if they seek jobs.
on the other hand
, the perspective of the future displays the community's need to overcome difficulties with
money
 that supply additional
people
's
money
. The crux of the countries' economic problems lies in a lot of supply spending
money
 that has not become an indispensable part of our lives.
Although
people
 notice essential problems in society which will be able to be solved by helping charity offices, they enjoy wasting
money
 on entertainment. London has 10000 homeless who need just 2000pond to rent an apartment,
while
 1200000
people
 book a seat in a stadium every month. I think
people
 could spend
money
 on sports or culture because they earn
money
 and can manage their lives. In conclusion, making entertainment jobs has been bombing, and that can help communities.
However
, some priority activities are more significant than spending
money
 on them.
Submitted by poriaprashidi on

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coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clearer structure, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. Ensure your points are clearly introduced and summarized.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by using linking words and clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This helps the reader follow your argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific and concrete examples. This will make your arguments stronger and more persuasive.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your ideas. Some points remain vague and would benefit from further explanation or differentiation between different perspectives.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the merits and drawbacks of spending money on cultural or sports events.
task achievement
The writer shows an understanding of the economic impacts of entertainment events.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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