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Writing Samples
Band 7

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or a biolent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Every day a large number of crimes are committed by teenagers and kids,
hence
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, in response to that, some citizens believe that these younglings should be treated as adults when it comes to the consequences of their acts. I strongly disagree with the phrase, because when a person is immature and is in a development stage of their life, is not in a position to be judged as
adult
Add an article
an adult
show examples
. In
this
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 essay, I will provide the two main reasons to illustrate my position.
Firstly
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, the laws that rule a country, in most cases, have special treatment for underage criminals. A teen can´t be judged as a grown-up,
as well as
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 an infant can´t be treated as a teenager. There are specific norms that apply to each age group.
For instance
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, when a fifteen-year-old boy commits a murder he is not put in jail, the law puts him in a reformatory school because there he is going to have the education that he lacks at that young age.
As a result
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, he can understand what he did wrong and become a better human being as he grows up.
Secondly
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, when criminals end up in prison if they are not strong enough they suffer from the treatment that their fellow inmates give them. An example of
this
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 is when a person who commits a small crime,
such
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 as a robbery, ends up with the wrong cellmate he can transform into a dangerous criminal because of what he can learn there.
However
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,
this
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 is not a certain situation, if you put a highly vulnerable kid in a situation of
this
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 type, there is even a bigger chance for him to end up being an even worse person. In conclusion, even with the most brutal crimes that a young kid can commit, there are other ways to punish them,
such
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 as rehabilitation in a special centre or community work. Let´s not forget that, when it comes to crime, the final goal of the State is to re-educate the ones who are responsible and give them a chance to be part of society again.

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Task Achievement
The introduction outlines your position clearly, but consider rephrasing to make it more objective and formal. Instead of "younglings," use "young individuals" or "youth."
Coherence and Cohesion
In your first body paragraph, the point about laws is relevant, but it could be stronger with a more direct link to how this affects punishment and rehabilitation. Consider adding more detail or examples to strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some sentences are somewhat repetitive. For example, the idea of rehabilitation appears in both paragraphs. Streamlining your points could enhance clarity. Try to ensure that each paragraph has a distinct focus.
Coherence and Cohesion
Provide clearer transitions between points. Phrases like "Firstly" and "Secondly" work well for structure, but employing transition words could improve flow. For instance, using 'Moreover' or 'Additionally' can enhance coherence within your arguments.
Task Achievement
You articulate a clear viewpoint and effectively structure your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
You provide relevant examples that support your arguments, such as the case of the fifteen-year-old boy, which adds strength to your position.
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