IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which view do you agree with? Why?

#people #children #education #age #time #school #studies #two
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There is a contentious debate about whether
children
Use synonyms
 ought to spend an enormous amount of
time
Use synonyms
 playing or studying
academics
Use synonyms
 which requires them to join schools as early as possible.
Although
Linking Words
 commencing study at an early
age
Use synonyms
 reaps the benefit of building a strong base in
studies
Use synonyms
, I concur that
children
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 should spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 playing for their holistic development. Primarily, aspirants of starting formal education at an early
age
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 tend to believe that it strengthens the foundation of a child's
academics
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. To justify, when
children
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 commence
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
learning the course content at an early
age
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, they may get used to
comprehend
Wrong verb form
comprehending
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 information easily and train their brains to retain
this
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 information.
This
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 may lead to not only
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 the capability
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to compete in
academics
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 but
also
Linking Words
be succeeded
Wrong verb form
succeeding
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 in future.
For example
Linking Words
, most
of
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apply
show examples
Indian
children
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 have more knowledge regarding their
studies
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 just because they start to learn at the
age
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 of 3.
In contrast
Linking Words
, if
children
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get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
indulge in spending their valuable
time
Use synonyms
 in the play, it will distract them from their
studies
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 which may lead to lower their grades in
academics
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.
However
Linking Words
, I think, playing is immensely important for the
overall
Linking Words
 development of a child.
While
Linking Words
 playing,
children
Use synonyms
 learn some essential life lessons
such
Linking Words
 as sharing through mutual play, socialising by making friends and being diligent. These skills are more important than being a studious person, leading to some mental health issues like stress and depression. If
children
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 grow mentally and physically well in the initial stages of their lives, they will be able to tackle all the hardships in the future.
Thus
Linking Words
, I am convinced that
children
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 should spend most of their
time
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 playing
instead
Linking Words
 of just focusing on their
studies
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. In conclusion, in spite of forming a
storng
Correct your spelling
strong
 base of
children
Use synonyms
 in
academics
Use synonyms
 by the early initiation of formal education, I personally believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should spend a magnanimous amount of their
time
Use synonyms
 playing to get holistic development.
Submitted by immysandhu94 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a well-rounded argument and addresses both sides of the debate effectively. However, ensure that your introduction clearly states the topic and your position from the very beginning for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is cohesive, working on smoother transitional phrases between sentences and paragraphs can enhance the flow.
task achievement
You effectively use examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reinforces your position, making the essay feel complete.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Intellectual growth
  • Structured learning environment
  • Discipline
  • Focus
  • Social skills
  • Emotional regulation
  • Conflict resolution
  • Creativity
  • Imagination
  • Holistic development
  • Play-based learning
  • Burnout
  • Holistic approach
  • Specialized subjects
What to do next:
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