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Band 5.5

Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which view do you agree with? Why?

#people #children #education #age #time #school #studies #two
There is a contentious debate about whether
children
 ought to spend an enormous amount of
time
 playing or studying
academics
 which requires them to join schools as early as possible.
Although
 commencing study at an early
age
 reaps the benefit of building a strong base in
studies
, I concur that
children
 should spend most of their
time
 playing for their holistic development. Primarily, aspirants of starting formal education at an early
age
 tend to believe that it strengthens the foundation of a child's
academics
. To justify, when
children
 commence
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
learning the course content at an early
age
, they may get used to
comprehend
Wrong verb form
comprehending
show examples
 information easily and train their brains to retain
this
 information.
This
 may lead to not only
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 the capability
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to compete in
academics
 but
also
be succeeded
Wrong verb form
succeeding
show examples
 in future.
For example
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Indian
children
 have more knowledge regarding their
studies
 just because they start to learn at the
age
 of 3.
In contrast
, if
children
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
indulge in spending their valuable
time
 in the play, it will distract them from their
studies
 which may lead to lower their grades in
academics
.
However
, I think, playing is immensely important for the
overall
 development of a child.
While
 playing,
children
 learn some essential life lessons
such
 as sharing through mutual play, socialising by making friends and being diligent. These skills are more important than being a studious person, leading to some mental health issues like stress and depression. If
children
 grow mentally and physically well in the initial stages of their lives, they will be able to tackle all the hardships in the future.
Thus
, I am convinced that
children
 should spend most of their
time
 playing
instead
 of just focusing on their
studies
. In conclusion, in spite of forming a
storng
Correct your spelling
strong
 base of
children
 in
academics
 by the early initiation of formal education, I personally believe that
children
 should spend a magnanimous amount of their
time
 playing to get holistic development.
Submitted by immysandhu94 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a well-rounded argument and addresses both sides of the debate effectively. However, ensure that your introduction clearly states the topic and your position from the very beginning for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is cohesive, working on smoother transitional phrases between sentences and paragraphs can enhance the flow.
task achievement
You effectively use examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reinforces your position, making the essay feel complete.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Intellectual growth
  • Structured learning environment
  • Discipline
  • Focus
  • Social skills
  • Emotional regulation
  • Conflict resolution
  • Creativity
  • Imagination
  • Holistic development
  • Play-based learning
  • Burnout
  • Holistic approach
  • Specialized subjects
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