IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children
It is argued that
parents
 with
children
 who are overweight should be punished for making them obese.
This
 essay will disagree with
this
 statement because some
parents
 are not knowledgeable about
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
 and some
children
 are generally born big and cannot control their eating habits and what they eat.
Firstly
, it is believed that knowledge is power. Unfortunately, some
parents
 have no or little knowledge about
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
. They believe that a child has to eat and finish whatever is put on their plates and if they cry for more, they must be given whatever they want. They do not know that, by so doing, they are making their
children
 obese.
For example
, in some African nations, there is a belief that says that if a child cries for food that means that their
parents
 are stingy if they don’t give that child what he or she wants.
Hence
,
children
 become obese by continuously eating whatever they ask for.
Secondly
, some babies generally have big bodies and they consume more food. The same babies continuously seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more food and have bad eating habits.
Parents
 need to understand that babies cannot be allowed to eat all the time and that they should not eat whatever they desire to consume. Many times
children
 desire to partake
sweet
Change preposition
in sweet
show examples
 foods or drinks,
for instance
, sweets, cakes, fizzy drinks or fatty foods that cause them to be obese if not controlled. They need to be taught that some foods are not good for them and that they have a negative impact on their bodies,
hence
, we have obese
children
. Some end up being sick with diarrhoea, stomach problems
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
teeth aches or rotten teeth. In conclusion, punishing
parents
 for causing their
children
 to be obese, as viewed by other people, will not help because some are not knowledgeable about obesity,
hence
 their
children
 are obese.
Submitted by pncubeterera on

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task achievement
Although the essay effectively disagrees with the notion of punishing parents for their children's obesity, it could benefit from more nuanced arguments. Expanding on the complexity of obesity, such as genetic factors and broader societal influences, could strengthen the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from smoother transitions between paragraphs. Using linking words and phrases can help the essay flow better and make the structure clearer.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which enhances its readability and coherence.
task achievement
The examples provided, particularly those related to cultural beliefs and children's bad eating habits, are relevant and well-chosen to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical structure where each paragraph focuses on a single main point, which helps the reader follow the argument easily.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
What to do next:
Look at other essays: