IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many government like to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However some think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both side and give your opinion.

#government #money #arts #people #think #health #education #side
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The
government
 spends significant money on different items
such
 as the educational system, healthcare, and
art
. In some
countries
, the
government
 pays more attention to
art
, some people argue that it would be better to spend financial resources on having high-quality services for
education
 and
health
. I will discuss both views in
this
 essay. It is true that investment in
art
 leads
countries
 to have a more comprehensive culture by providing cognitive development for people.
Additionally
,
art
 can be a healthy entertainment for children too. It can help
countries
 make an efficient heritage for their future.
For example
,
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 a huge amount of the budget for making a museum will be a beneficial act for the
counry
Correct your spelling
country
county
 and
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
 residents.
On the other hand
, spending on
health
 and
education
 is a vital item for every society, especially for non-development
countries
.
firstly
,
education
 is a necessary portion of communities, the
government
 should allocate enough money to address nurturing educated persons who play a crucial role in society.
secondly
, having a competent approach to boosting the
health
 level of
countries
 is one of the major duties of the state,
for example
, facilities like hospitals, adequate medical resources, and various expertise.
Finally
, without enhancing these two items
government
 will face difficulties in the future. In conclusion,
while
 attention to
education
 and
health
 is a necessary attitude for every country, I suppose it would be better to contribute
art
 as an efficient material too. Having a balanced and well-managed approach to
this
 topic will be the best decision.
Submitted by ostorr7213 on

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task achievement
Ensure that you elaborate more on the examples provided. For instance, explain how museums contribute specifically to culture and cognitive development.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that affect clarity. For example, 'investment in art leads countries to have' should be 'investment in art leads countries towards' and 'use a huge amount of the budget for making a museum' should be 'allocating a significant portion of the budget for building a museum.'
coherence cohesion
Provide a bit more detail in the introduction and conclusion to enhance the logical structure. This will make your argument clearer and stronger.
task achievement
The essay discusses both sides of the argument, providing a complete response to the question.
coherence cohesion
The main points are clear and the essay includes specific examples, making the argument more convincing.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocate
  • lavish
  • cultivate
  • preserve
  • heritage
  • promote
  • enrich
  • stimulate
  • patronage
  • advocate
  • allocate
  • funding
  • essential
  • accessible
  • improve
  • enhance
  • well-being
  • invest
  • research
  • infrastructure
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