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Band 4.5

Every year large number of people migrate from one country to another for different reasons. There are many advantages and /or disadvantages of migration for the individual and/or for society.What is your opinion?

#year #people #country #migration #society
This
 is a day and age when many
individuals
 transfer to live in another country because
variations
Change preposition
of variations
show examples
causes
Change preposition
in causes
show examples
such
 as economic and education every year. There are a large number of upside
aspects
 for
individuals
 and all of the
community
 like increasing knowledge and improving health and economic system.
However
, there are lots of downside
aspects
 which affect
individuals
 and society as a whole
such
 as missing families and friends and decreasing jobs.
This
 essay will explain the benefits and drawbacks of
migration
 for
people
 and for all of the
community
. On the
one
 hand, the advantage of
migration
 is for
individuals
 and society as a whole.
firstly
, the development of knowledge and getting a new culture are some of the advantages of
migration
 for
individuals
. Many
people
 abroad have free time, so they are learning new something and learning a modern culture.
For example
, learn a new language.
Moreover
, improvement in the health and education system is
one
 of the benefits of
migration
 for all communities.
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
the increasing
show examples
 number of
people
 who come from other countries have contributed to the development of the health systems, the education system, and other fields.
On the other hand
, there are disadvantages of
migration
 for
people
 and all of the
community
.
One
 of the drawbacks which affect an individual is the missing of family and friends. Many
people
 have a strong relationship
between
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their family and friends,
thus
 most of
that
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
surfer
Correct your spelling
suffer
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 because
this
 is missing.
In addition
, dropping jobs for the original
people
 since there are large numbers of
individuals
 who come from other countries.
this
Capitalize word
This
show examples
 is
one
 of the negative
aspects
 of
migration
 for society as a whole. In conclusion, there are many positive and negative
aspects
 of
migration
 for
people
 and the
community
 as a whole.
Submitted by a2100b2100 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more clearly across sentences and paragraphs. This will help the reader understand the flow of your argument better.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of words and phrases to make your essay more engaging. Use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have addressed both advantages and disadvantages of migration, making your response balanced.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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