Due to high unemployment rate in some countries, pupils should be offered only primary education and not secondary education since there is no jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The recent high unemployment rate makes some people doubt the meaning of secondary
education
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despite its high cost. I argue that pupils still need to receive the system,
while
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the curriculum could be changed following the development of AI and the rapidly advancing globalisation.
To begin
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with, secondary
education
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serves as a place to prepare students before working. To illustrate
this
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, adolescents aged around 15 are still immature, and they need to learn critical thinking skills, collaboration, and a broad range of knowledge through the
education
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programs. Some research shows that individuals who completed secondary
education
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have a lower crime rate than those who did not. Even though
this
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finding may be explained by various factors,
this
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stage can be expected to provide not only academic knowledge but
also
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essential social skills.
Therefore
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, all things considered,
it is clear that
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the system is essential for maintaining social stability.
However
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, the curriculum for secondary
education
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should be improved to adapt to today's changing world.
Due to
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advancing technology
such
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as AI, the abilities and mindsets people should gain for work have significantly transformed.
Moreover
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, teenagers and kids could be forced to live in a community where a wider range of races are mixed by progressive immigration policies. Students should enhance abilities that can develop their own vision, develop strategies and put them into practice for a better society,
as well as
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language competencies, which help young people work everywhere if the economic situation and the employment rate deteriorate in their own country.
For
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this
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reason, it is obvious that the curriculum can be redesigned depending on the demands of society. In conclusion, secondary
education
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should remain to help students adapt to a changing world,
although
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it is necessary to change the content. I believe that pupils gain more opportunities to not only learn academic knowledge but
also
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interpersonal skills through the higher
education
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stage.

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task response
Answer the question more directly all through the essay. Say clearly why you disagree, not only that school is useful.
task response
Add one more clear example about jobs or life after school. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Explain the link between unemployment and secondary school more fully. This part is a bit general now.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are long and packed together. Split them into shorter parts so the reader can follow more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. A few parts sound heavy or repeated.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it to the end.
task response
Your main idea is relevant: secondary school helps young people get skills for life and work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape with introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow in a logical order.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unemployment rate
  • primary education
  • secondary education
  • employability
  • entrepreneurship
  • educational reforms
  • economic growth
  • skilled workforce
  • job market
  • opportunities
  • critical thinking
  • advanced skills
  • self-employment
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