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Writing Samples
Band 7

Experts say if the old people spend time and get along with others and exercise everyday will be healthier and happier. However, many elderlies are suffering from loneliness and lack of fitness. Discuss the cause and solution.

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In recent years, many elderlies have been facing isolation and degradation in
health
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.
Furthermore
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, some experts argue that if old citizens engage in some activities
such
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 as daily exercise will be better for their
health
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.
To begin
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, a lot of seniors feel lonely and
this
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 affects their mental and body
health
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.
However
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, the community should play the main performance in encouraging these crowds who belong to
this
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 age category, one example, letting old
people
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 engage in different neighbourhood occasions.
In addition
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, many retirees feel bad about themselves
due to
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 they do not have any
role
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 in
society
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, so families should be aware of
this
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 problem.To avoid
this
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, older
people
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 should play a significant
role
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 in any community activities.
Also
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,
society
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 could benefit from older citizens in consultations because of their expertise.
Also
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,
society
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 could benefit older citizens to be a monitor or guiding teenagers.
On the other hand
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 , from the
health
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 perspective, the spot should be enlightenment on the importance of exercises to keep mental and body well-being.
Likewise
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, the
health
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 authorities should invite the seniors to be a part of exercises by making them do the types which are appropriate for their age ,
for example
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, walking and doing yoga. The reason many elderly avoid training, they are fear of injuring themselves. So, educating the old citizen about the importance of physical movement for their fitness would help in enhancing their mental and general
health
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.
To conclude
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, scientists say if older spend time in action with others and do some routine exercise will be healthier and happier, so educating elderly
people
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 about the significant
role
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 of exercise in mental and body strength.
Also
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, the community should play a
role
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 in encouraging old
people
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 to engage in
society
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.

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task achievement
The essay provides a solid discussion on the causes and solutions related to the loneliness and lack of fitness among elderly people. However, some points can be elaborated further to provide a more robust argument. Specifically, you can explain in more detail how loneliness directly affects mental and physical health.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-structured, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Phrases like 'To begin,' and 'On the other hand' are a good start, but including more linking words and phrases will help improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Be consistent with terminology; the essay uses 'elders,' 'older citizens,' and 'seniors' interchangeably. Stick to one term to avoid confusion. Also, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that need correction. For example, 'from the health perspective, the spot should be enlightenment on the importance of exercises' could be rephrased for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear closing statement, which is important for coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt—causes and solutions—ensuring that you thoroughly cover the topic as required.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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