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Band 7

In many countries, prison is the most common solution to the problem of crime. However, a more effective way is to provide people with better education so that they cannot become criminals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #prison #crime #people #education #criminals
There is a common belief that imprisonment is the ultimate solution to
this
 pressing issue.
However
, a growing number of people argue that a more constructive approach would be to provide better
education
, which could potentially prevent individuals from becoming criminals. My view is that
while
 prison serves a purpose,
education
 is indeed a more effective long-term strategy for tackling
crime
. It is undeniable that prison plays a pivotal role in maintaining societal order. It serves to incapacitate criminals, preventing them from perpetuating
further
 harm to society.
Moreover
, the prospect of serving time in prison acts as a powerful deterrent, discouraging potential lawbreakers from straying off the path of righteousness.
Thus
, the importance of the penal system should not be undermined.
However
, relying solely on
prisons
 to curb
crime
 does not address the root cause of
this
 problem.
Prisons
, in many instances, are filled with individuals who have been failed by the
education
 system. Lack of
education
 often leads to limited job opportunities, poverty, and ultimately,
crime
. Given the choice, individuals with the knowledge and skills needed can secure their employment,
consequently
 reducing the likelihood of them resorting to criminal activities as a means of survival.
Furthermore
,
education
 can foster critical thinking, moral understanding, and respect for the law. It can
also
 play a transformative role for those who have already engaged in illegal activities. Educational programs within
prisons
 have proven to be effective at reducing recidivism, demonstrating that
education
 can serve as a tool for rehabilitation. In conclusion,
while
prisons
 should not be seen as the most effective solution, to truly tackle the problem of
crime
, we must shift our focus to
education
, which can serve as a powerful tool in preventing
crime
 and fostering a more harmonious society.
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task achievement
To enhance your task achievement score, it is crucial to incorporate more specific examples or evidence to support your points. For instance, you could mention statistics or studies that demonstrate the effectiveness of education in reducing crime rates.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more transitional phrases between paragraphs and ideas to further strengthen the logical flow of your argument. This helps the reader follow your line of reasoning more easily.
introduction conclusion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion on the effectiveness of prison versus education in tackling crime.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the topic and provided a balanced view regarding the role of prisons and education in preventing crime, fulfilling the task requirements effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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