IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because there are disadvantaged people in their countries, such as the unemployed and homeless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #aid #countries
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
International
aid
Use synonyms
, which is assumed as an indispensable part of the government’s assistance, is said to not be allocated to foreign
countries
Use synonyms
 because of the existence of many idles and useless communities. In
this
Linking Words
 essay why I totally agree with the very perspective will be addressed.
Firstly
Linking Words
, financial support from the government is accounted as the most considerable activity in one society. To illustrate, there are myriad disabled and poor individuals in every country and authorities are responsible for them and they have to allocate huge budgets to help them possess high quality life. If
countries
Use synonyms
 dedicate
money
Use synonyms
 and some resources to disadvantaged
people
Use synonyms
 who live overseas, domestic individuals are deprived of abundant resources of financial
aid
Use synonyms
 in their own
countries
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
countries
Use synonyms
 should pay attention to their
people
Use synonyms
, and if the sources of
money
Use synonyms
 remain, they can dedicate them to other overseas
people
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, facilities in every society are considered as the most important objects to make the folks’ lives easier and better. To clarify,
for example
Linking Words
,
countries
Use synonyms
 achieve lots of
money
Use synonyms
 from selling and exporting oil to other
countries
Use synonyms
 and they obtain abundant profits for the country. If the governments spend
this
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 on financial
aid
Use synonyms
, they will waste
this
Linking Words
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
. They not only can construct hospitals, schools, parks, and other essential facilities, but
also
Linking Words
 make lives easier for their own
people
Use synonyms
 because indoor individuals are more important than idles and homeless
people
Use synonyms
 in other
countries
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 helping others is assumed as the best activity globally, native
people
Use synonyms
 should be prioritized
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 financial
aid
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, thanks to the importance of domestic
people
Use synonyms
 rather than international folks and a dedicated budget to provide facilities for
people
Use synonyms
 are superior.
Submitted by Golden Goals on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
While your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, the introduction could be more concise and focused. Simplifying it would improve readability.
logical structure
Your paragraphs are logically structured but could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. Connecting sentences with linking phrases will improve flow.
supported main points
Your main points are generally supported, but adding more specific examples will strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention particular facilities or programs that could benefit from local investment.
complete response
You respond to the task well, but the essay would be stronger with more detailed analysis and balanced discussion. Consider acknowledging and addressing counter-arguments.
clear comprehensive ideas
Though your ideas are generally clear, some sentences are convoluted. Simplify your language to ensure clarity and concise expression of ideas.
complete response
Your essay presents clear arguments on why domestic needs should take priority over international aid.
relevant specific examples
You include relevant points about the importance of facilities such as hospitals and schools, which helps illustrate your argument.
logical structure
There is a clear logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: