IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #part #time #smartphone #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, technological advancements have increased dramatically, and the vast majority see technology
a
Change preposition
as a
show examples
defining feature of modern living. In my perspective, prolonged usage is detrimental for many reasons and the disadvantages overtook the advantages. There are several reasons to overuse cell phones, sharing knowledge by using smartphones
much
Add a missing verb
is much
show examples
 easier.
For instance
, so many people learning different languages on platforms and online websites with specialist tutors or joining a group.
In addition
, there is a big chance to know people from another culture.
For example
, I joined a group to improve my English fluency and
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 I made beautiful friendships.
On the other hand
, I slightly agree with the dangers of spending overtime using phones and
that is
 because variety
reasons
Change preposition
of reasons
show examples
. In my opinion, the main reason is the side effect of light screens and blue lights. these lights cause eye strain, tension, headache, and impaired
cognitive
Replace the word
cognition
show examples
.
Also
, the addictions to smartphones decrease face-to-face encounters and make them more procrastinators.
Furthermore
, excessive use could
make
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 physical and psychological health problems. In conclusion, it is true that technology
develop
Change the verb form
develops
show examples
 our life with
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 facilities, but I believe that the negative impact overtook the positive. I hope that everybody can balance both digital and real life to have a better future.
Submitted by shahad.san966 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, consider outlining your essay before writing. This will help you organize your ideas more clearly and logically. Adding clear topic sentences and transition phrases can also help guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows naturally into the next. Use transitional phrases and linking words to create a smooth reading experience. This will enhance the cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Work on supporting each main point with more specific examples or data. This will make your arguments stronger and more compelling.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully to provide a clearer and more comprehensive response to the task.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly sets the context and states your perspective, which is crucial for a good essay.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint and reinforces your main argument, creating a coherent end to your essay.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as learning languages or making new friends through smartphones.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital addiction
  • instant gratification
  • multifunctional
  • connectivity
  • social networking
  • online services
  • self-expression
  • entertainment options
  • instant access
  • educational resources
  • communication tools
  • virtual interactions
  • distracted living
  • technological dependence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: