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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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In today's world, many believe that people's life expectancy is higher than previous generations.
Although
 some individuals think that the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population has several merits, I would argue that its demerits are leading on the grounds
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
high risk of death cases and less competitiveness and productivity in the
labour
market
. On the one hand, if the structure of the society is dominated by the older inhabitants, it may lead to an increasing probability of death cases. It cannot be denied that the study revealed there is a negative strong correlation between someone's health condition and age.
Therefore
, the older the age of the population, the higher the chance of suffering from serious illness
due to
 lack of durability.
As a consequence
, it might lead to a significant rise in the death rate in some countries.
In addition
, another disadvantage of having a huge amount of vulnerable age groups is making the
labour
market
 less competitive and productive. Nowadays, the fact that numerous companies around the globe require multiple skills and knowledge which can only be aimed through attending specific training and formal education. Meanwhile, based on the research conducted by the UK's agency, older individuals are less likely to do so, because the majority of them are way too reluctant and closed-minded.
As a result
, it reflects the level of competition in the
labour
market
 becomes less competitive
as well as
 lowers
labour
 productivity. In conclusion, despite the fact that the elderly population might have several benefits to society, I,
however
, firmly believe that its drawbacks are more significant
such
 as impacting the mortality rate and dropping the worker's productivity and competition in the job
market
 system.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Clarify and expand on the benefits of an aging population to show a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence by ensuring smooth transitions between points.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Main points are well-presented and pertinent to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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