IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and heath care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

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In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern-day society, a large number of kids suffer from obesity
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can result in some challenges in the future connected with health.
This
Linking Words
 essay considers overweight to be negative
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that
children
Use synonyms
 are addicted to junk
food
Use synonyms
 and it will be better for them to have a hobby. When parents allow
children
Use synonyms
 to do whatever they want it will have a detrimental effect on their behavior and preferences in
food
Use synonyms
. Numerous kids consider junk
food
Use synonyms
 to be tasty and they eat it on a regular basis.
That is
Linking Words
 why it can lead to
an
Remove the article
apply
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addiction and dependence.
Also
Linking Words
, some
children
Use synonyms
 used to stay at home, lie in bed and watch movies.
According to
Linking Words
 some psychological research, 80% of respondents choose unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 over healthy because it is tasty. The solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can be related to an active lifestyle. Interaction is believed to have a positive impact on
children
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that they can play, walk and do a lot of activities to avoid health issues.
In addition
Linking Words
,
hobby
Add an article
the hobby
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 has a beneficial impact on them
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that it helps them to be fit.
According to
Linking Words
 some
survey
Fix the agreement mistake
surveys
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, approximately 90% of
children
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 who suffered from obesity got into sports.
To
Change preposition
In
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 conclusion, currently, numerous
children
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challenge
Wrong verb form
are challenged
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 with
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that they do not move enough.
This
Linking Words
 essay
consider
Change the verb form
considers
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem to be significant
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that it may lead to addiction and to solve it they need to do some exercises.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. For instance, words like 'additionally,' 'furthermore,' and 'consequently' can help make your essay flow better.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, it would be beneficial to offer a few more specific examples to support your points. Examples offer clearer insight and strengthen your argument.
task achievement
To enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, try elaborating on each point a bit more. Provide a little extra detail or explanation to make your ideas richer and more convincing.
task achievement
The essay covers the topic well and offers clear reasons for why children are becoming overweight and potential solutions for this issue. It addresses both halves of the question, which is good for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting the ideas in an organized manner.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity
  • screen time
  • fast food
  • socioeconomic factors
  • health care costs
  • emotional eating
  • recreational activities
  • community programs
  • balanced diet
  • lifestyle choices
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