There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

In
this
era of fierce competition, many youngsters strive to achieve good results in their institutes. A school of thought believes, that to assist them unimportant
subjects
like home sciences and physical
education
must be excluded from their curriculum.
However
, a large group of people and I strongly suggest that
this
will have harmful implications on the physical and mental well-being of the child, and will not contribute towards their holistic growth.
To begin
, a strong argument could be made that academic success brings a sense of financial safety and social pride.
This
can be attributed to the demeaning behaviour we present towards those who achieve low scores and the way we look up to the ones scoring high marks.
Furthermore
, it is widely accepted that pupils who are academically sound get better job opportunities and lead a financially stable life in comparison to their contraries.
For instance
, a student who is a high achiever is praised throughout his high school for his intelligence and lands a high-paying job at a multi-national company, which provides him with all the possible luxuries,
whereas
another pursuing their passion of being a chef might face many challenges in earning similar sums.
As a result
,
education
in certain
subjects
leading to better lives, is respected and regarded more than others including sports and cooking.
On the other hand
, If
this
were to happen it would result in a devastating impact on the
overall
health and development of the young population,
additionally
resulting in the failure of the
education
system to prepare them for the future.
This
is because, these days most children spend most of their time at home, barely participating in any physical activity,
due to
this
most of their social engagement and skill development happens at school.
furthermore
, they only help out with house chores on rare occasions.
For example
, numerous studies have concluded that outdoor activity amongst Indian children has dropped by 65% in the past few decades resulting in higher rates of obesity and anxiety disorders.
As a result
, it is important to highlight the importance of teaching non-academic
subjects
at schools.
To conclude
, I strongly disagree with the opinion of eradicating important courses like physical
education
and meal preparation classes. The facts suggest that they are extremely crucial for the cumulative growth of humans, even though I certainly understand that academic
subjects
ensure financial and personal stability.
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task achievement
Expand on the point about the holistic development of children. While it is well-stated, providing more specific examples or evidence would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure parallel structure in sentences. For instance, 'resulting in physical and mental well-being of the child' can be improved for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical errors and focus on sentence variety to enhance readability. For instance, 'Home sciences and physical education must be excluded' can be revised for better clarity.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
supported main points
Main points are supported well with relevant examples, making the argument convincing.
complete response
The essay addresses the prompt comprehensively, covering multiple facets of the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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