Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
In
this
day and age, it is widely believed that government should concentrate on diminishing environmental pollution
and addressing housing issues to
against illness and disease. Change preposition
apply
While
I agree with this
point of view, I think safe and nutritious food sources is
a problem that authorities need to focus on.
On the one hand, environmental Correct subject-verb agreement
are
pollution
and housing problems are one
of the reasons that lead to Correct determiner usage
some
the
variety of Correct article usage
a
health
issuess
. Correct your spelling
issues
Firstly
, living in an environment contaminated by air pollution
can have detrimental effects on respiratory health
. In the
big cities Correct article usage
apply
such
as Ho Chi Minh City and Hanoi, there is a large amount of emissions from factories, vehicles and dust from constructions
, which increases the levels of air Fix the agreement mistake
construction
pollutions
and the number of Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
people
suffering from respiratory diseases
. Besides
, living near the water sources polluted is also
at risk for numerous health
problems. Secondly
, housing issuses
, Correct your spelling
issues
such
as many generations live
in cramped houses, Wrong verb form
living
substandard
living conditions Correct word choice
and substandard
which
create an environment for the spread of Correct pronoun usage
apply
diseases
.
On the other hand
, what people
consume on a daily basis also
has dramatic effects on health
. Eating unhealthy and unsafe foods can lead to dangerous diseases
such
as liver failure, kidney
failure and weaken the immune system. Many Correct word choice
and kidney
people
have the habit of not eating breakfast or eating junk food for breakfast, which leads to stomach diseases
, increasing their risk of developing cancer. Therefore
, Food safety management needs to be strengthened by the government and educating the public about the dangers of poor dietary habits.
In conclusion, while
I acknowledge that environmental pollution
and housing issues have a direct impact on health
issues, I believe that addressing poor dietary habits and unhealthy lifestyles should be part of the government's proposal to the people
.Submitted by lyhuongclc on
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task achievement
You have addressed the topic effectively by discussing both sides of the argument, which shows a clear understanding of the task. However, consider improving the structure of your essay by ensuring there is a clear and distinct separation for each point of view in separate paragraphs.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or data to support your points. For instance, you mention air pollution in cities, but including specific statistics or studies would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to proofread your essay for minor grammatical and spelling mistakes. For instance, 'levels of air pollutions' should be 'levels of air pollution', and 'housing issuses' should be 'housing issues'. Minor inaccuracies shouldn't detract from your well-reasoned arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on using varied linking words and phrases to improve the readability and flow of your essay. This will help in making your arguments more cohesive.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly sets out your position, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points. This gives your essay a strong sense of direction and closure.
logical structure
Your essay is logically structured, with each paragraph presenting a clear main idea supported by relevant points. This enhances the overall coherence of your argument.
supported main points
You have effectively highlighted significant issues related to environmental pollution, housing problems, and food safety. This shows an in-depth understanding of the topic.